Thoughts of a Pimp

So apparently today is national suicide awareness day. Funny given how just a day ago I was contemplating it again.

My cat has been comforting me in his own way. Tonight he’s stretched out across my feet. so here’s to me not killing myself for another night.

Gotta get these crazy thoughts back on my bipolar blog. I might post here later if I’m feeling up to it.

Every morning my alarm goes off at 0530 and I roll over to hit the stop button, in the faint distance, I hear a plop of four padded feet hit the ground as they decend from the perch they were just on. They slowly cross the laminate floors and wait in the doorway jam of the room they reside in. The owner of these padded paws is sitting and listening for me to wrestle myself out of bed. He is listening for any detection of movement out of the bed that is so warm and comfortable. When he doesn’t hear any rustling, or notice the lights flicker on, he turns to his food bowl or water bowl right next to the door and proceeds to feed himself. I hear him faintly crunching his ST/OX Purina Chow, or lapping at the bowl that he has probably put his paw in to cleanse it first. Then he makes his way back to the perch. He now has to wait another 13 minutes for the next alarm to go off.

It’s now 0543, my alarm is blaring again. I’m rolling over, this time, hitting snooze instead of stop. The paws hit the ground, the sound reverbates through the silent house over the sound of the fan blowing cool air across my body. I turn back over to get 8 more minutes of shut eye. Work doesn’t start until 0600. But truthfully, I won’t get up until 0555. He senses this and gets irrated with me. He walks across the hall and knows that the room lights are triggered by motion, so he walks around in circles until the lights flash on. I’m awakened by the sudden onslaught of light piercing my face. I yell his name, and he darts out of the room to stand right outside of the door, probably smirking as if to say, you know you know you have to get up for work, so why are you laying there. I hit the switch by my bed and turn the lights off again. I still have another 5 minutes before the alarm goes off again. I close my eyes, but I hear him pacing back and forth, licking his paws. It’s louder than the fan in the room, and the sound throbs in my ear. He’s sitting there waiting for me to throw the covers off and to get out of the bed. Finally I toss the covers back and put my feet on the chilled floor and slowly open my eyes. He peeks his head in the doorway, and I get up to walk towards the bathroom. He comes in and follows me. I sit upon the royal throne, and he runs in behind me, stroking his body against my legs and my pants that are now around my ankles. I pet his body and rub him behind his ears. He meows to say good morning. I rub my hand down the length of his body to the tip of his tail, then he takes a seat just to the left of me, and I stand up, having finished, and flush the toilet. He takes a few steps back, as I make my way to the sink to wash my hands and then to brush my teeth. He stands close by watching, talking to me, telling me about his nightly adventures. He is either outside the bathroom door, or he’s manuvering between my legs as I stand staring at myself in the mirror. I respond to him in my voice, while I spit, rinse, and gargle. He quickly moves before I trip over him. We walk back to my bedside, where I proceed to grab my glasses, if I didn’t put in a pair of contacts. I take my daily regiment of pills and turn to pet him, while he is now ontop of the bed that I have vacated. He sits and watches me, and I watch him. I walk towards the door, and call him. He comes at the sound of his name. I turn off the light and walk three steps to my office door and turn on the light. He’s right behind me.

I glance at a few emails, making notes which ones to answer first. Then turn and head towards the kitchen. He follows either behind me, or next to me. Still talking about the night, or maybe he is talking about what he plans to do for today, I don’t know. I’m still not fully awake to understand him. I just mutter, uh huh and keep walking. He waits for me by the TV, because he’s been trained to not enter the kitchen. I prepare my breakfast and finally answer him. I’m at like 70% operating level by now. I make my way back to the office and sit down with my food. He’s right behind me. My ADHD pills have now kicked in, and my brain has turned on. I’m not running at full speed now. I make a quick note of everything that is going on around me. He sniffs around the office, as if there were an intruder overnight and he was searching them out. Then he finds a quiet place in the distance, but still close enough to keep his eye on me. He either sits staring at me, staring at the wall, staring off into the distance, curled up in a ball, sitting at the door like a doorman, laying by the door, pleading with me to pick him up to lay in my lap, or talking to me while I work. But this goes on for an hour. He’ll leave me occassionly but he always comes back to keep up the protection all day long.

Finally at the end of the work day, he starts to yell at me, to alert me that it’s 1430, and that I need to get up from the desk and go relax. That my workday is over. If I try to work longer, he yells louder and louder until i shush him. Then when I get up and leave the office behind, he follows me to the living room and jumps on the couch, ready to lay in my lap for snuggles that have avoided him all day long. He has worked his butt off all day protecting me, now it’s my turn to protect him. Often times, I leave him there on the couch, and change clothes to workout. If I’m on the bike, he either sits there and watches, or goes to his room until I’m done. If I’m working out on the floor, he tries to join in, messing with my poses. It’s so hard to do floor strength exercises when you have a cat who wants pets in the middle of mountain climbers or a plank. When I’m done, i head to my room to freshen up and change, then back to the couch to relax for the evening and then we watch tv until dinner time. He eats his food off and on for the day. If he’s been particularly good, he’ll get some wet food (to which I won’t see him the whole day, because he’ll be laid out in his room sleeping). Otherwise, he’s in my lap sleeping, or curled up next to me all night long.

But this…..is my protector, my guardian

Now I’m up at almost midnight blogging my thoughts b/c I can’t sleep. B/c I’m going through some mess, b/c I’m depressed. B/c I feel like putting a bullet through my skull. I just want to sleep and I can’t. Like I’m laying here waiting for death to come get me so I can be at peace. So I can be put out of my misery, so I can stop thinking. So my brain will shut off finally. But it just won’t stop. Instead I just lay here and the words they keep flowing. I reach out and trace the hard plastic edge of the case that shutters the heavy cold metal of the 9 mm that can end my misery. I think of how long it would take for anyone to notice I’m gone. How long would my body be in my bed, with dried blood and brain matter everywhere before people start to realize that they haven’t spoken to me in days. Before anyone comes and checks on me to open the house up and smells my decaying body, notices that the cat has run out of good and water, that my social media presence has gone silent. Will people think I’m just taking a break? That I’m on my secluded trip again? Should I leave a note that says if you haven’t seen or heard from me in three days come by and make sure I’m alive? Would anyone take it seriously? Probably not. I could go missing for a week and no one would bat a fucking eye. That’s how invisible I am to people. Some will read this later and go oh I wish I had known, I would have done something more. Or I would have went by more often, or called more, or texted more, or woulda coulda shoulda….but it’s too late. I’ve put the metal away. Today isn’t the day. I don’t know when will be the day, but it will be soon. I’ve got to really get my affairs in order. Ensure the kid is taken care of after I’m gone. B/c the thing I need the most right now, I can’t even fucking get. A damn solid ass hug so I can cry into someone’s arms. So instead I cry into the barrel as it lays next to me on the pillow with the magazine in my hand that has a death grip around it. Sorry death, we won’t be seeing each other tonight. I’m just gonna rock myself to sleep. Meditate do some breathing exercises, whatever the fuck I can to stop the noise in my head. It sounds like a powerful locomotive and I’m laying on the tracks as it comes full steam ahead at me. No ear plugs. Fuck I hate my life. I wish I had the strength to just put myself out of this pain right now. But my fingers shake and quiver each time I put the magazine in. I’ve been battling this for what seems like forever now. Holding my stuffed dog tightly with one arm that isn’t shaking, the other as ratty as an old man trying to find his way across a boat in the middle of a hurricane. I want to look death in the face and say I’m ready to meet you. I’ve been ready for over twenty years, but I keep failing at every attempt to crossover. I could try tonight but it’d be my luck, I’d shake so bad that I’d miss my brain and hit the wall. Fuxk me!!

In three months? I have a feeling that you won’t. So then that’s gonna make for a very awkward moment next year when my vacation rolls around and I get on the plane, and we’re no longer friends b/c you met someone and just stopped caring. Much as you say you won’t, they all do at some point. The phone calls/communication becomes less and less. Hell you already spend most of the time we are on the phone messaging whoever as it is now. So what’s even the point of being on the phone with me if you’re going to be distracted? I at least give you my attention with background noise. But I’m there for talking. Not for sending messages (although I’d actually have to have people to even send messages to first, but if I had them, they could wait until my conversation was done).

So three months. That’s how long I’m mentally giving this before you give up on even pretending to care anymore. 3, three, 1-2-3. You’ll be in like/love with whoever and I’ll be a distant memory. Like I never even existed. A bad memory of damaged bipolar goods.

Since when has seeking to find acquaintances online been a bad thing? I mean not everyone is looking to jump right in the sack with someone. Hell even so, I would hope that you’d want to get to know someone a little bit before you do, and not go 1-100 on dating. That could turn out to be a massive disaster waiting to happen. But nope, in the lesbian world, they do nothing slow of the sort. They go 0-60 in dating/relationships/marriage/children you name it!!! The same is true for their level of education directly to the trashcan.

You see, women in general are smart. But you throw in loving another woman and they just grow dumb as rocks. They instantly want to get hitched to the mew person they just met a week ago, then they want to have babies with them, all within a month of meeting. Then there are the ones who actually go out and do this level of stupidity.

The ones who can’t read to save their lives. No matter how many times you say, “I’m not into this or that” it’s always “this or that” which seems to be what approaches you. For instance…I know I’m not attracted to smokers of any kind, or women with children. Yet all that ever does approach me is women who smoke, or women with kids or women who want kids. It’s like they think they have some magic trick that will make me change my mind.

Hey, thanks but no thanks. I believe in science and facts and actual things I can see and put my hands on. Religion is none of those things. God isn’t real. No one magically created earth, no one magically man, the Bible is a book of made up stories created by man that have been misinterpreted for hundreds of years. So I’ll pass. All that nonsense I hear folks spew about religion just sounds like junk to me. Mythological creatures that aren’t real, like unicorns and fairy dust.

If it was in fact real, there is a lot of explanations that need to be had for the things that are wrong in the world. We can start with Covid and the half million dead ppl. If there truly was a god, why would a plague like this even happen? There are so many stories in the Bible that don’t make a lick of sense. How the children of the first couple came to be when they were clearly born of incest, but there wasn’t a female child but only male children, so they reproduced with their mother? Supposedly?

**blows dust off this site**

Wow, I’ve been gone a long time. Since I posted anything here.

Perhaps it’s the soldier that lives on in me, but to see stores advertising sales for Memorial Day irks me just as much as people who say Happy Memorial Day.

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