At night I lie awake sometimes and wonder will I ever be bold enough to have the faith in humanity and will ever start dating again. Like will I ever find individuals to be attractive enough for me to want to be with them. That I’ll decide that I want to take the step further than just being associates or acquaintances and being more. That one day, I’ll allow myself to have feelings again for another person. In some ways, we’ll a lot of ways I think not. I’m just so over giving my all and then getting my heart trampled on.
Feeling like I’ve met the right one to settle down with, then it all turns out to be false hope. So while I’m doing my thinking late at night, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be enough for someone else?
Should I actually start dating again, will they find me to be enough for them to want to stick around? Will they find me attractive in every way? Will they be attracted to me and not just want to only have sex with me? Will they be attracted to my physical appearance? Will they see me as more than an associate? Will they imagine a life with me?
Will they want to build with me? Will they support me in my times of crisis? Will they allow me to be vulnerable with them? Will they be vulnerable with me? Will they let their guard down around me? Will they be willing to commit to be with me? Will they not judge me on my past indiscretions? Will we get along? Can we go places together? Enjoy each other’s company? Take trips? Will they love Tobie as much as I do? Will she wash my locs after a long hard workout? Will she workout with me? Will she watch corny ass movies and tv shows with me?
Lots of questions that I think about. This isn’t even a quarter of what runs through my mind. But it’s safe to say that I’ve got trust issues now.
I’m one of those people who love extremely hard. When I give my all, I give my all. Most don’t appreciate that these days. I mean it takes a while for me to care, but when I do care, I really do care. Nowadays everyone wants instant feelings. Like no you can’t have my emotions for you on day 1. But like maybe day 160 or day 180 or day 210. But never day 1-90. I gotta grow up to that.
I can only give so much of myself to a person before I just want to give up.
So I’ve been selling stuff on Facebook marketplace. Trying to get rid of things around the house that i no longer use and no longer have a use for. Things that are piling up and taking up space. Because let’s face it…I’m somewhat of a semi-hoarder. I’ve been trying to clean up space and stuff.
So I recently had up for sale, a 3 piece nested set of luggage, and a separate medium sized suitcase. Well the medium size piece, I didn’t realize until i went to take a few photos of it, that it had a tear in it. So i knocked off a few bucks of the asking price. Now the lady who was asking about it, was all about negotiating. I’m like ugh of course. She was really trying to knock the price down all the way. Now granted, I had the price at $35. She wanted the piece for $15. I laughed and said no, she could have it for $30, maybe i was willing for go down to $25 because of the tear.
Now the 3-piece set, I had up for $75. It’s hard to find a matching 3-piece set anywhere for under $150. I mean a large, medium, and small suitcase. Where the medium and small both fit in the bulkhead compartment of the airplane. So I’m like yeah sure. They were like can we inspect them? I’m like sure.
I meet up with the lady, it’s her and her mother. They’ve got accents, they are from the islands somewhere. I’m just like oh okay, i see where this is going. I tell her, $100 for all 4 suitcases. She buffs, so I’m thinking in my head like I really want to get rid of these things because they have been sitting in my garage for quite some time. So I tell her, $90. She’s like $50. I start packing them up and putting them in my truck. I tell her thanks but no thanks.
She says, what about $75, I say, hmmmm give me $80, as I shove the 3-piece set into the back seat of the truck. She starts going on about how she’s going to have to clean the suitcases. They are all cloth material. I’m like ma’am, even if you clean them, the minute you take a trip and the baggage handlers get them, they will get dirty again when they go down the conveyer belt to the plane. I explain that I’ve bought new luggage at an airport, and when i got home after one-leg of a flight, and my suitcase looked like it had been on multiple flights. The baggage handlers do not care about keeping your suitcases looking brand new. So cleaning it will be for nothing.
She then tries to hit me with a sob story about needing to go get groceries. I’m like, lady, why do you think i’m trying to sell these things??? I need to get groceries and pay bills. I need the money just as much. $80. I start to put the other one in the truck as well. I then think about the fact that I’ve had these things up for listing for about two months now, and this is the first time, I’ve had a real bite on them. So I tell her, I’ll take your $75.
Now, her and her mom are thinking that they got over on me. But here’s the thing. the 3-piece set, i’ve had since 2004. It’s now 2021, almost 2022. I’ve had that set almost 20 years. It was probably really only maybe worth, $40 if that. The one with the tear, I wouldn’t have paid no more than $20/$25 myself with the tear in it.
So I’ve got the better deal out of us all. I got more money for the luggage/junk that I’m getting rid of.
Hell, I sold a couch that I had sitting in a corner of my living room, for years. That I had sat on, maybe a total of 10 times. Sold it for $100. Good deal. Guy was very appreciative. Said it was going to be the perfect fit for his room. I need to get out into my shed, I’ve got another chaise lounge out there. I need to drag it out into the garage, dust it off for spiders, and put it up on marketplace and make some money off of it. Maybe go through my sheds and see what else I can scrounge up to sell. I’ve sold off an exercise desk. Maybe I can sell the two fans I have in there. I really want to get a medium size dumpster and just throw a bunch of shit away and have the city come pick it up. So i don’t have to haul it all away.
That’s my goal for next year, to have my place cleaned up enough to be able to move my lego boxes back into the garage. Then I can move my exercise bike out into the garage, and be out there enough to sweat. Especially in the summer. Maybe even have enough room to buy more workout equipment and set it up. Be able to do squats and lift. So i won’t need a gym for real. Or perhaps, I should wait until I have my forever home for that.
Anyhow….that’s how I made some money today. It wasn’t much, but I did it. And got rid of some junk in the process.
Posted inBlogging|Comments Off on Good deal. . . . . but did you really?
For the first time in almost 2 months, my mind is completely blank. I’m not worried about anyone, myself, nor am I thinking of anything. I’m just sitting here at my desk in my home office, staring blankly at the screen trying to think of something to write.
For the last two months, I’ve been bombarded with thoughts of everyone else and how I need to care for them, be worried sick about everything for everyone else, and just put myself on the backburner. Then when I do think about myself, it’s filled with nothing but sadness and regret for how my life is going at the moment. But right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness, not happiness, not anything. I’m just here in the moment.
I’m hoping that this means, I can turn off my tv tonight, maybe listen to some meditation, and fall peacefully asleep. That when I wake up tomorrow (if i wake up tomorrow) that this night isn’t the calm before the storm. That i’m not just feeling calm before my life comes to a tragic end.
Maybe I should say my goodbyes now. It just feels too good right now, like something bad is going to happen tomorrow to fuck this all up.
So what I’m going to do, is go have me a few shots of whiskey. Watch another episode of Grey’s, while I lay in my bed, and listen to Ross Rayburn on the low low. If I fall asleep, then i fall asleep. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. I’ll get up in the morning (or i won’t) and I’ll tackle whatever my ever so present shitty life throws at me.
I’ve been trying to decide whether to buy a Peloton treadmill or to get a new mattress. The adult in me says to get a new mattress, but the new active fit me says to get the damn treadmill and the cheap mattress. I want a sleep number mattress, but the cheap me, can’t fathom spending $1K for a mattress. Yes, I spend a lot of time in bed. But I can get just as good a nights rest in a $400-$800 mattress, that doesn’t need electricity. Because if the power goes out, does the bed deflate to the softest settings? If one of the air pockets burst, will they replace the whole mattress? How does the warranty work? Now I’m thinking I might just be better off with just a regular mattress. But do I just go with a pillow top? Because I don’t think I would be good with a memory foam, they just seem like they would be too soft for my liking. I need something medium firm, but not too firm.
I wish I had a spouse like the women in my fitness group. The kind of spouse that surprises you with fitness equipment. But then I’d also be living in my forever home. Which I most certainly am not living in right now. Because I really have no place to put a treadmill. Although I’m trying to get space by trying to sell stuff, but it’s a slow market right now. Or people are just window shopping and not being serious about buying. Hell, when I see a good deal, I jump on it. Well, I do my research first, then I jump. But again, I wish I had a spouse, that would be like, here babe, surprise, here’s the treadmill you’ve been wanting. I know you’ve been wanting it and didn’t want to spend your money on it, and couldn’t decide between it and “whatever” and you chose to be financially responsible, but I had the extra money so here you go.
Or better yet, can I just hit the lotto for a small amount? So I can buy my forever home (or build it) and then I can afford to put in a gym room. Complete with weights, a tv, maybe even a tonal, a squat rack, weight bench, etc. Maybe even just have a shed out back for all my gym equipment. Built in sauna. Then I could afford a trainer to push me to my limits more than what I’m doing now. Truly get these pounds off, and keep them off. Be the kinda sexy person a spouse would love to come home to every night. Get my ego boost going because women would find me attractive, instead of being the blob that i am now. I guess the only thing I’ve got going for me really is my legs, which Peloton has so graciously given back to me. Because my calves are killer right now. Thighs could use some work, belly is always going to be a work in progress, and I just need to lift weights to tone up these arms and chest. But no one wants to see my chest, women are afraid of it. They are afraid of me not having boobs. As if it’s something they can catch.
**sigh** Now I’m thinking too much, time to go to bed. My brain is starting to work and I was doing so well. Time to grab the bottle of jack daniels, crawl into bed, and try not to drink it all before I close my eyes.
To keep my mind off the sucidal thoughts that have been clouding my brain recently, I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I started a workout challenge with my boss and one of my coworkers. They are both very competitive. So they have been pushing me to get more than my 30 mins a day to stay at the top of the list. But we’ve all been battling for that top spot. Our challenge goes to the end of the month. We’re looking for other people to join us. I think the more people that we get in on this, the more interactive that it can be. Especially if we have it Agency wide. I’m going to release it to my field office next week via email. I need more people to beat, it makes me feel good and not so depressed that im getting in physical activity and doing something productive.
I’ve also got to start studying for my professional certifications. I realized yesterday that i got so swamped with computer conversions over the summer, that I forgot to turn in my IDP, which basically said what I was planning on doing for the next FY in terms of training and if I would need budget dollars to do any of this training. Granted my boss forgot about it too, because she didn’t remind me, and now here it is, three months later and I’m asking questions and BAM…wow..yeah. Now I gotta get special permission to do the training. I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem, but yeah. Big fuck up on my part.
But to allievate this problems, I bought another amazon echo to put in my office. It stares me down every day. i tell it to remind me of things that I will forget. I got the idea from a friend, who has one in her office. She has it to tell her of her reminders, and her meetings, and such. So far the only constant reminder I have is for 1030 every day to work out. It repeats on all 3 echos in the house. You’re probably like Echo…what’s that… you know…Alexa…what’s the weather… that kinda echo. Only mine is programed to answer to the word Echo, not Alexa. Fuck the name Alexa.
Now when I have a meeting, or an appt, I set a reminder in the office, b/c that’s usually the room where I am most of the day, especially during the week. It goes off, and I’m up and running. It also has been a help that my ADHD meds have been increased. I’m more focused during the day. Like hyper focused within an hour of waking up. occassionally i’ll venture off into la-la land, but for the most part, I’m dead set on what needs to be done. I’m only writing this, because I’m on a lunch break from training. I’ve already done 30 mins of spin. I think that’s all i’m going to do today. Although, I may go out for a walk later.
in the mean time, work has been the busy to my life. work, and working out. those two things have been the most consistent. when im not working, i’m working out. when i’m not working out, i’m sleeping. i’m trying to drop weight. it’s not working the way i want it to, so i’m going to try something different starting next week and see where it gets me for about two weeks. we’ll see what type of progress I make. in the meantime, my guardian, stays by my side day and night. unless he is sleeping or eating or in his litter box or pulling his water bowl out into the center of his room. he’s a funny character, kills me some days. like now, he’s sleeping his life away, but was in my office all morning begging for attention. but the moment i went to work out is when he decided to go to sleep, like watching me work out made him tired. lazy ass.
He’ll be back up and awake as soon as i get up from the office and go lay on the couch after work. it’s like he has a sixth sense to know when i’m on the couch, or it makes a sound only hearable to him. because it doesn’t squeak of anything, but the moment, I lay down, he hears it and comes running. asshole.
speaking of tv, i’ve been binging on grey’s anatomy again. It started out as background noise while riding my bike, then i would just sit and watch a few episodes. now it’s just something i put on to watch while riding the bike, and then to drown out the silence of the house. I get off work and pretty much turn off my phone or set it on silent and leave it in the bedroom or in the office, unless i’m expecting a call from my doctor’s office. Otherwise, I just ignore it and everyone who calls. If they don’t leave a message, then oh well. They can leave a voicemail, or a text. Which i probably won’t respond to until late or right before bed. which then i won’t respond to their answer because i’ve then put my phone into do not disturb and have gone to bed. which lately has been between 8-9 pm these nights. some text have gone unread over the last two weeks. which is killing the OCD in me to have unread messages, but it’s better than just deleting the whole thread. I wish i could hide it instead of deleting it. i know i can mute the thread and not get notified if a person sends me a message, but i can’t hide it and not see it when i open my messages.
I’m tired…this training is boring. My brain is starting to wander. I think I’m going to take a nap after work. I deserve it. I’ve been super active this morning. Life has beaten me down today. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow. Fuck, I hate feeling like I do. I was so feeling like like was great this morning, then i sat down after lunch and after my work out, and started blogging this shyt out and now i feel like shit. hel i’ve feel like i’ve talked to them and they have once again let me down.
shit, they called yesterday. and that made my day go from okay to worse. like everything was progressing along nicely and then i saw their name and instantly got in a bad mood. i couldn’t get out of it. just ruined me for the rest of the day. people were texting me and i couldn’t answer them. not even my best friend. i gotta pull myself out of this. hell i haven’t seen my best friend in almost three weeks. i’ve been kinda avoiding her. i want to sleep. i need my sleeping pills. i wonder if i take a double dose tonight would i stay sleep for the whole night? or would i wake up three times like i have been doing each night with nothing to do but toss and turn.
fuck this…i’m going to sleep i’m not busy anymore, nor do i feel busy. my body feels exhausted.
Posted inBlogging|Comments Off on Busy Work….Busy Bee
I love to challenge the mental in a relationship dialogue. Probably why so many ppl stop talking to me b/c I’m not a “just bow down and agree with me type” .. . . . . No I want to debate you on the subject, challenge you to be critical, take the opposite POV, ask the “what if” questions.
Even in my friendships, I challenge the status quo, I don’t want a bunch of “yes men” types around me…disagree with me, tell me I’m wrong and don’t be shy to say so. Maybe you can change my opinion. Hell I’ve been looking at things a lot differently lately b/c I’ve been challenged to do so. I’ve thought things the same way for so long, but I’m just like hmmm maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental.
This is regarding femme women. I still won’t date them, but I know that me giving them a chance will 90%-95% end in failure, due to me not liking their style of dress, their mannerisms. Hell, I went out with a femme a month ago. She didn’t even dress feminine, but the way she picked over her food, was a turn off to me. She seemed like a cool person and I really tried to get to know her, but through text and calls I was fine, until we met…the way she carried herself just turned me off. I was a pure gentleman, but I am just used to my type of woman being a bit more dominant in particular scenes. Like eating out, you tell the waiter that I’ll order first, b/c you’re still looking over the menu. You hold the door for me. That makes me feel secure with my dominant partner. I’m not much for pda, but when we get home, lead in the romance unless I’m just really in the mood.
Sure there will be moments where I’ll take the lead role, if I feel appropriate, or I feel like I have to be the more dominant of us two, but I don’t want to be that all the time.
I’m just gonna be single it seems. I thought I had found my perfect match. Even compromised to have kids with this person. We were the right dose of 50/50 dominant on everything. The chemistry was amazing from the start. But I just wasn’t “woman” enough for them in the end. B/c I no longer considered myself cisgender female, they couldn’t see themselves with me any longer and could only view me as a friend. We could still do partner type things and say partner type sayings, but we’d only ever just be friends…and they never understood how confusing that second part was. It was like…being in a relationship but without the title. I’m committed to you, without being committed to you b/c you could find your person at any moment, then I’m left holding my bag of feelings on this lonely street corner.
But that’s all behind me now. I had to learn to hate this person to get over me feelings for them. So whenever I catch myself even remotely thinking I might feel something for them, I remember them saying to me that I’ll never be anything more than a friend to them. That they don’t see me as anything else, that I’m not worth it. And it makes the anger that is in me stir up and the feelings die out. I picture their emotionless face as they said these words, and how they just looked at me as if they had not one ounce of feelings towards me, just zero feelings at that moment and was dead inside. Their voice was so monotone, and devoid of feelings, like it could kill me at any second. The only thing that would have made that moment any worse is it they had gotten up and left. Lawd knows I wanted to. I wanted to cry, I was in shock, I didn’t know what to do, to cry, scream, yell, walk away, run, kick them out, I had no idea.
I was in love so I tried to talk my way back in. It never worked. In my mind it was never over, b/c we continued on like it was never happened (see the Toxic post) and I never got a chance to really get over it, or get over them. My feelings were never taken into consideration, I was just supposed to turn off my emotions from “in love” to “friend” just that.
But now I’ve got all this pent up anger towards this person. I’ve blown up at them once. I get frustrated with them frequently and take silence breaks when I feel the anger coming on. We fight constantly these days. But we’re moths drawn to the same flame.
