I don’t know why but today was a great day. Why??? Because…it just was … and I’m a genius.
No, really. So yesterday, I noticed that my neighbor had cut her grass, so i was like…damn i just cut mine, and now it looks like a semi-jungle. But then i thought, we have been having a lot of rain lately, so yeah…it grew some.
So i get out the push mower and attack the front yard. then i roll around to the back and do the top part that I can never get with my riding mower. As i’m looking around at the backyard, i’m thinking…damn its a jungle back here.
Today is Sept. 15, last time i cut my grass was Aug 13. So needless to say it had grown quite a bit. But shit…I don’t go in the backyard much, except to grill. And then, i only put the food on the grill and come back in the house, i don’t stay out there, b/c i have no one to talk to but myself…and let’s face it…talking to yourself is so last year.
So anyhow, i go to my mower and it’s mostly dead. I don’t know why, but i haven’t bought a new battery for it, so i have to keep jumping it off. Anyhow, the battery is at 8% charge (yeah I know what a bad lesbian I am right…..) so after about 7 minutes, i finally get it started. I wait a minute and let it run (gotta make sure it won’t cut off on me) and then i hop on and get to going.
I look down behind me and i’ve dropped my blades down too far, one is scraping the shit outta my grass. I’m like super pissed, so i pull it up and tell myself I’ll figure it out later. I do one good pass around the outside edges and then get ready to do my second loop. I kick it into 4th gear and I head for the outer loop again. Only this time, i’m tuned into my music and just going around in circles.
Finally i notice that the mower isn’t cutting shit. I stop and put the brake on, and get off, then i look down at my PTO switch and its on, but my blades aren’t spinning. What the fuck!!! I turn the PTO off, then on again. Still not spinning. I walk around and BAM the culprit hits me in the face. Well not literally, but there it is, dangling like a fucking snake!! My belt broke.
Dammit…
Pimp – 0
Pony – 1
I snatch it up and start yanking. Then I drop it, thinking damn if this shit connects, there goes my sex hand….joking..but it could have snatched my hand clear into the blades. So i do the smart thing and turn it off. Then i commence to yanking. Finally get it out and yell silently to myself.
I pray silently to the battery gods, please let it start again. It does. I drive the mower around to the garage, get off, pull out my walking mower, and get my riding jack stand. Now I gotta do something I hadn’t planned on doing. I gotta take the lower deck off. There’s no way I can change the belt without dropping the deck. So I jack it up, then i run inside real quick, pull up youtube and find a video that instructs me. Go back out to the garage and dropped it.
Ha!!!
Pimp – 1
Pony – 1
Then I look at all the gunk that has built up from the last two years of owning this thing……yeah I’ve never cleaned it after I used it. I know bad lesbian…
Pimp – 1
Pony – 2
I reach in with my bare hand, (being careful not to scratch my apple watch), and pull it out as much as possible. When that doesn’t work…i attacked with my hose and the power sprayer!!!
Pimp – 2
Pony – 2
Finally get it cleaned, then I figured, now that it’s off, lemme see what the effing problem is with the blades. Well when I put on new ones, I was in such a rush (it was getting dark and if you had seen the old blades, its a wonder they cut any damn thing), I put one on upside down.
Pimp – 2
Pony – 3
Flipped it around and moved everything inside. I needed a new belt, and I had to hurry and get to work..I was approved to work from home the next day. I had to bust ass to get to work, get my laptop, get the belt, then get home because I had a conference call in an hour. I didn’t make it. I had to do the call while in the car, and finish it while parked in my driveway (halfway through I made it back home).
Pimp – 2
Pony – 4
By then, it was too dark to do anything. The mower was still wet, and I needed new cotter pins to secure everything. Fuck it, I’ll finish tomorrow after work. I have to run to the store for the pins, but it will all be dry and i’ll be fine.
Next Day!!! (today)
I get off work, run to the store for the pins, come home and pray they are small enough. I pull everything out, and think to myself…how the fuck do i change this belt. My manual is long past gone (or buried in the garage or the shed). So back to youtube it is. I watch like 4 videos. Then I go outside while its still fresh in my head. Not thinking…hey just pull the video up on your gigantic phone genius….nope not me. But I got it on. Just like the video said.
Pimp – 3
Pony – 4
Then I got the deck put back on. I get it started (after jumping it off of course), and make my way to the backyard. You will not defeat me. Finally the test of the hour. I drop the deck to level 2, will it scrape the shit outta my yard…I flip the PTO to on, and I move along slowly in gear 1. I stop and look behind me. YES TO THE FLIPPED BLADE!!!! I outsmarted you lawn mower!!!
Pimp – 4
Pony – 4
I then start to make my way around the yard, getting it cut. I say fuck you to the fence line. I’ll save that shit for another damn day!! Got the yard cut and sat back and looked at my work. It’s nice and even now. Amazing what a good pair of sharp blades can do.
Okay so I didn’t outsmart the Pony beast…but my lawn is cut, and I feel pretty damn smart. Now can I have my butch card back now. I think I might need it.
