Death of Me

Watermelon will be the death of me.

So last night I finally went and bought a watermelon after craving it for about two weeks. I had been seeing them in Walmart, on tv, on instagram, just about every damn where I turned and finally I caved in. Got it home and dove right in. After two bites of the sweetest damn thing I’ve eaten in a while my sweet tooth was satisfied. But my eyes still hungered for the taste of the sweet juice to roll down my chin, stain my shirt and eventually end up on the couch cushions only to have a seed stuck to my shirt.

Well I hobbled my crippled self back into the kitchen and finished cutting up the melon that was to be my late night snack. I cubed my huge bowl of melon (1/4 of the whole thing) and then cubed the other 1/4 while the half I hadn’t touch just went on in the fridge. I took the bowl to the living room and sat there staring at it like it was begging me to devour it and my mind started to travel to the half that was in the fridge. Would it hate me for eating this part of it? Well I didn’t give two shits and jumped in the bowl face first….well not really but you know what I mean.

I ate and ate and ate. I felt stuffed and full…but I kept right on eating until there was nothing left but seeds in bowl and a slight bit of liquid. I had conquered it!! Vengeance to the sweet tooth was mine and my appetite was running into the corner from which it came.

Well I laid back on the couch, after rinsing out the bowl and wiping my chin with the back of my hand with my feet propped up on the table. I felt like I had accomplished a great deal by feasting on that bowl and finishing it in less than 20 minutes. It had to be at least an 8 pound melon, so roughly 2 pounds of melon I ate. Then it hit me…I just at 2 pounds of melon…holy crap. What did I just do to my body. Well it was healthy right…natural fruit, mostly water.

Then my bladder answered my question…mostly water = pissing contest with myself. Mad dash to the bathroom resulted in the longest urine stream of the day. I sighed relief when it stopped then sashayed my way back to the couch to finish watching NCIS: Los Angeles. Well the last few minutes of it was about to happen, LL was about to tackle the bad guy when it happened….that familiar noise you hear when your belly is unhappy with you. The hated and dreadful noise of the guts churning before you are turned into a screaming child who doesn’t want to go and wishes you had a diaper, before the porcelain god takes you to the throne and you beg for it all to end … to include your life cause it won’t quit….yeah that feeling hit me.

I told myself as I walked down the dark hallway to my bedroom it won’t be that bad, just a quick plop and it will be all over. Its just watermelon…it won’t kill you. I ran back to the living room and grabbed my ipad, I knew I would need some reading material and I had just downloaded a whole slew of new books. So back down the dark hallway almost bumping into the closet doorknob, I knew this was going to be a trip of doom. But i brushed it off to jitters and continued on my way. My partner was sleeping, so I quietly closed the door and flipped the switch. I looked in the mirror as my belly reminded me of my my impending doom. My cat scratched at the door, so I cracked it open and he walked in…but he heard my belly and darted his ass back to the living room where I had left him. Even he knew it wasn’t about to be good.

Well I dropped trough and sat down, unlocked the ipad, opened my new book and proceeded to read waiting for the moment when the doctor in my brain would say push like I’m about to push a child out of that small hole without dilation. Well I guess I was more dialeted than I assumed and like a mother who has born 15 children, I just opened up and let go.

Sweat dripped off my forehead as it just continued and kept going and going and going. I swore I would never touch another watermelon as long as I lived and if the Lord saw me through this, I would curse the sweet tasty red fruit for the rest of my days.

I grabbed the trash can as I felt like it would come up out of my nose, struggling to breath and catch my breath, I belched and thought…goodness what the hell was it mixed with. I didn’t have time to finish my thought as I threw the ipad to the rug and grabbed on for dear life. This rollercoaster ride was about to kill me.

I didn’t pay it any mind as my body calmed down…I was in the eye of the storm. I thought it was safe to get up, wipe and flush…when the eye passed and another wave of nausea hit me. I cursed black people all around the world for this tasty treat, i cursed the seeds that made it, I cursed my partner for letting me go to the store and buy it, I cursed my cat for running out and leaving me alone in my funk…I cursed watermelon to a lonely death, as the rest was going to hit the trash the next morning when I was able to roll off the throne and walk again.

Finally I was able to gather my strength, and shred my clothing. I needed a shower after that ride. I needed the steam of the water to open up my pores and the fan to kill my nostrils. As I dried off, I sauntered back to the living room and the place of my demise and just looked at the couch. It had suckered me into sitting there consuming the whole 2 pounds of evil treachery, then it allowed me to stay and let it ferment for a lil while longer. I wanted to kick it, but I had no energy, so I just fell onto it in a big heap. I rested my head on the pillow and pulled my covers up to my neck as I watched tv.

Soon came a commercial with some damn kid eating watermelon and my stomach churned again. I quickly changed the channel and dozed off.

7 am this am…that feeling was back…I held off in my sleep, but like most things in my life it was only temporary. Back to the throne, back to my death and a repeat of last night.

I avoided opening the fridge all day, I ate mostly dry food. I drank water, I ate crackers. I was doing fine.

Until 20 minutes ago when I started to type this…and eat more melon. I swear I’m going to die this week, but damn if it didn’t taste good going in.