*** This blog was first composed right after Turkey Day … sentiment still exist”
The “holidays” are here again. It’s that time of year for everyone to put on their “fake smiles” and pretend that they like you. When the reality is that for the first 10 months of the year they have hated the fuck out of you and now they have to pretend like those months have never existed because they want to be “blessed by some fake fat imaginary man someone dreamed up that they tell their children comes down a chimney or whatever and leaves gifts and treats under a tree that’s been hidden in a attic collecting dust mites, spiders, and whatever else” and not they hope that you will be nice enough to buy them something.
Yeah…that ain’t happening. Chile… my shoes are more important than buying some people gifts. I mean the only other people who deserve my money came from the vaginas of TIB, SW, YLHC, FW, and VTR. Soooo yeah…since ain’t no rings on these fingers…ain’t no boo-thang either.
But for those who know me well…know that this mouth, mind, body, spirit, soul, whatever…has no filter, no clout, no nothing. So…here goes your holiday announcement.
My therapist has told me i need to get things off my chest instead of holding them in. So i’m doing just that. Well…i’d rather do it face to face…but well…lately folks been acting shady as fuck. So..blogging it is.
I first noticed things roughly around the beginning of spring…at this time…i honestly had STOPPED really giving a fuck about my job. My supervisor was being a total pain in my ass. Everything was my fault, the report being late my fault…the numbers being off – my fault, things not getting checked – my fault…i was the 12..i should have known better right…
Anyhow…I was told that i was coming up for a team transfer. I had it set in my mind to just put in my time until it came through. I was told what team I was going to, so it was like …cool…get to that team..things would be for sure hella different. Cause fuck for real…they couldn’t get no damn worse right??
So i bid my time…finish the job…the report goes out..we start the next job. it appears to be a waste of time because they want to take it in a direction it doesn’t need to go. but i just sit back and shut the fuck up. not my audit, not my problem. i’m about to get the fuck off the team. i’m about to be free. no more micro-managing, no more having a boss who is best friends with her boss, no more ish getting swept under the rug. Im just a 12…not my monkey, not my circus.
mind you though..for the previous years…while i’ve been bitching about everything…everyone else thinks that shit is MAD HILARIOUS!!!! “oh it can’t be that bad”, “you’re over exaggerating”, “things can’t be like that”, “there is no way that can be happening here”, blah blah blah…. i’m just sitting back like wait.
So finally i get the meeting….you’re going to your new team…you start next week. I’m trying to be all subdued like…
but in my head i’m all like
So now…here is about the time when i started to notice the shade ..
but im sure it happened a lot sooner than this…but hell … i had clocked out mentally at work so i really didn’t give two fucks. But i was going to another team. i was about to be stress-the-fuck-free. I was going to have time to be able to look around and not have someone peeping over my shoulder 24/7 just about.
As someone who grew up as a reclusive person…i didn’t maintain a lot of friendships. Moreso specifically for this reason….I don’t do well with people. The fact that I have no filter when it comes to expressing my thoughts (because they can’t be called emotions when you truly don’t have any)
So people tend to get turned off by my bluntness. They want me to sugarcoat my words, to empathize for their feelings, to be sympathetic and all that jazz and bullshit.
Well…i didn’t grow up in a place full of emotions, feelings, or any of the fuckwad shit. I don’t feel for any of it. Just barely. Only towards certain people. But i’m still not going to lie about anything. I’m going to be truthful. I won’t tell my godson that there is fake fat man in a red suit. i won’t write santa on his gifts from me. he will know they came from me and not some figment of someone’s imagination. fuck that…if some other kids find out the truth…better they learn that shit now. school of hard knocks. the sooner you get hit with disappointment in life…the better.
anyways…bringing this shyt back…so i noticed this shit…i questioned it as soon as i saw it. i wanna knock shit dead. i don’t like to play duck duck goose.
or 20 questions, or whatever… just fucking tell me. i’m not a child. i’m not a time bomb…I’ve got bipolar disorder…i’m not going to snap. But lying to me will make me snap. I hate fucking liars. I hate people who beat around the bush trying to “save my feelings” … i don’t fucking have any to save!!! Damn… just be up front and honest…be fucking real…be an adult …. shit..ain’t we all grown??
Maybe not…cause instead of being truthful, upfront, honest, whatever, it’s still cat and mouse.
So now…i’m on my new team……life for me is great. new boss is just chill…folks ranting about her and i’m like….
I’m skipping around the office, actually wanting to come to work again. not dreading it anymore. I’ve breathed life back into my career.
While the folks that took my place are now experiencing the bullshit i put up with for 3 years. It’s not so funny anymore. My only advice is to not let it get to you. To have a “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK” attitude. But no one wants to be the angry black individual. I guess it was okay for me to do it since I technically have a mental illness. So it’s like…brush that shit off…laugh at them behind their back, blah blah blah… but eventually reality and the clusterfuck settles.
It’s gonna build, you’re gonna get tired of the bullshit, you’re gonna get tired of the misguidance, the screwed direction, the wrong turns at every point. But I’m just the crazy person. What the fuck do i know. I don’t have experience. i’m good…im gucci.
But i noticed the looks, the hushed conversations, the meet outside conversations. It’s not paranoia…So i asked again…”are we good…cause i get the feeling that my presence is not wanted here”
one can only ask this so many times. again…though this time from the many folks asked…a more obvious faked response…naw everything is good.
I’m a loner yes…but I’m also an avid people watcher. that’s what we loner’s do. We may seem like we tuned out of the world, but what we are doing is watching people. seeing how they interact, watching body language, facial expressions, reading lips.
Body language and facial expressions say those responses aren’t genuine.
This type of shit is why i don’t open up to attempt to make associates. You give people a hand to get places and they break your fingers.
I was considering moving office spaces. But with the vibe i’d been feeling lately, then the response when mentioning it, changed my mind. So instead, i’ll just stay where i’m at…keep getting the dirty looks from the folks upstairs…
(cause i know what that’s all about) … and just fuck…never leave my damn office.
if your computer breaks..call that help desk..i just all of a sudden got a amnesia and can’t tell you what that cord that for.
