Transmasculine…
What does it mean to begin with.
So..I’m learning to be just me and to be open with who I am….and who I am is transmasculine. What that means is that while I was born into a female body…I don’t truly identify with being a female. Now with all of the talk lately of transgender individuals…im not that. I do not….i repeat…do not and am NOT transitioning. I am not becoming male, I do NOT wish to become male. At least not at this point in my life. But I do identify closer with the male side of me. I do identify more with male aspect of life. I am more male than I am female. I am both male and female, but I do not wish to pick one of the two. I don’t want to forced to pick a side, to pick a gender. I’m in the middle, while leaning more towards my masculine/male dominated side…I’m just existing.
With my new found life and identify….comes new restrictions…I do prefer my pronouns to be they/them … not she/her…but I know that people have aversions to changing and it’s hard to adjust. Though I wish it was easier to just do what people ask of you. While I have always answered to whatever people call me “she/her/him/he/they/them” whatever…I do just prefer to be addressed by they/them. I ask that you respect my wishes.
In becoming open about who I am…I’ve learned to adjust my life. I’ve also come clear about the body that I have. I wasn’t happy with it. I have never been comfortable with it. It’s never been the one that I have wanted. I never knew what I wanted, all my life, but I knew one thing….and one thing for sure since I was young….I never wanted my chest. Not since they started growing in while I was ended the third grade, and started the fourth grade with Mrs. Simmons. They grew and grew over the years, massively and never stopped. I think at the height of my growing I was at a DD maybe even an E cup at some point. It got so bad that in 2004, I got a breast reduction to a B cup. It was a blessing (at the time) to my life. I felt so great, life my life was on point. I had much smaller boobs..i could run out and go run..i didn’t have to worry about them bouncing up and down everywhere. I actually joined a football team, started running, and lost weight. I got down to 150 lbs from 180. I was in shape (or so I thought). I felt great. Then i lost my job…got laid off. I lost my zeal. I started to put on the weight again..I had no where else to turn and guess what was the first thing to grow back….the fucking tits!!! Talk about pissed!!
Journal Entry – March 4
I tried this earlier and well by now you’ve watched the video for the first one entry. It’s been a good day…I’m excited and waiting. I’ve got 11 more days. It’s like what’s the deal…why can’t it already be here. I have to get through this week for work already. Then I’ll be on my way. The days will be counting down. I’m going to take my mac with me this week so I can do more entries with my emotions as I get closer to the day.
Dr Wolf is awesome. I was reading some of the messages in the facebook groups and they were talking about how he has an engineering degree along with his medical degree. It’s why he’s a such a great doctor and a perfectionist.
So let’s go to something else…right now…I was out in the yard working and i could only imagine how amazing it would have been if i was able to be have been out there shirtless. This summer is going to be bonkers!! I can cut my yard without a shirt on or at least with a tank on.
I started to purge my drawer of sports bras and bras. I threw away about 8 or 10 of them. I put about 10 more in a bag for donation and kept about 10 for use until the big day. I still have my binders as well for moments if needed until the day.
I’m happy…I’m ready..
Journal Entry – March 8, 2018
Video Entry
Journal Entry – March 9, 2018
Almost time…
This time next week, I’ll be one day post op…I’ll be waking up, tit’s gone, probably in some serious pain, but I’ll be there with a smile with on my face.
Journal Entry – March 14, 2018
Meeting Dr. Wolf
So it’s currently 0930, and I’m in an UBER on my way to his office. I’m supposed to be there like now, but the Uber took 15 mins to get to the house. And well Issac worked late last night so I couldn’t use his car. Plus he has to be to work at 1130 and I wouldn’t be back by then. So this is my driver, he has no idea why I’m so happy going on this $30.00 Uber ride.
I think I’m now starting to get nervous. I’m going to wake up tomorrow and it will be the last day of my life that I will have to shove my boobs back into my shirt after they have made an appearance in the middle of the night.
I’m in the back playing my Nintendo Switch trying to keep my mind on other things, so I figured why not get another journal entry in.
I only brought one bra with me. It’s gonna be great, after today, I’ll never have to wear one again!! I’m still going to go out tonight to the mall and do my photo shoot at Vicky Secrets for my baby daddy. Me and my sister are going to have a great time doing it. But hopefully, we won’t get kicked out. We’ll probably take the kids with us. I’ll make my niece take some photos. She’ll probably laugh at me. She won’t know why, but it’s gonna be hilarious.
On another note, the kids were super surprised to see me. They had no idea I was coming. They don’t know why I’m here. The youngest won’t understand, but the oldest might. Luckily she’s mature enough for a preteen to know that her aunt is a little strange. But she loves me all the same.
——–
So I met Dr. Wolf and he is a totally awesome guy. Here I am outside his office.
Video Post:
Journal Entry – March 15, 2018
Today is the day!!!
I’m soooo is excited!!! I’m on my way to the office. I’m ready to get this on and popping. I woke up so excited. I can’t wait to have it over and done. I still can’t believe that today has arrived already. This is such an amazing feeling. My belly is on ten doing flips and flops.
I’m getting so close.
This is me after surgery on the way back to the crib…knocked out from the anesthesia
This is the obligatory bathroom photo of the post-op surgical vest. And my cheesy grin from being happy to have had surgery done. I was in disbelief that it had truly happened. Like it was really real that it happened. It wasn’t a dream anymore. I truly had surgery, my boobs are gone. The few people who knew about the surgery were calling and texting like crazy. They were generally concerned. But i did keep everyone updated.
Journal Entry – March 16, 2018
The day after.. . . . .
Today has been like..wow…I haven’t felt any pain really. A little bit in the center of my chest..but really just a little. Mostly when I’m sitting up. I’ve been sleeping at an angle like recommended. So last night..I fell asleep about 830/9 pm. Meds kicked in like whoa!! Woke up around 130 am, and surfed the web for a couple of hours. I fell back asleep about 3 am. Then was back up again about 6 while the kids got ready for school. I went back to sleep after they left then I got up for good around 10. I came downstairs and started moving around. I haven’t had to take any pain pills today. I’m sure I’ll take one tonight to make sure that I sleep through the night to go along with my antibiotics.
I got out the house for a bit. We went to the mall, and to the thrift shop to find some old button ups. So i would have shirts to wear. All my button ups are work shirts. So what I need to find next are some black t-shirts to wear as undershirts for the time being. At least until my “leakage” stops. I would hate to ruin my white shirts. Especially when I go to work, and I don’t want my work shirts to have leakage and then I have to come home and wash them and get the blood-ish fluid out. In the photo below, it’s me on my sisters couch, with a towel behind me as a just-in-case precaution since I leaked yesterday on the couch. I did leak some last night, and I’m glad I did put the towels on the bed.
This process is going to be a long one. But I’m ready for it. I just need to find a massager for my scars to ensure that they don’t get too hard underneath my skin. I’m just ready to see my chest.
Video Entry:
Journal Entry – March 18, 2018
The longest week ever!!!
I swear it feels like the longest ever week until reveal day. It’s only Sunday, but reveal day is Wednesday. That means I gotta get through two days of work (cause i can work remotely) and then I’m off to see my chest finally..then back here to take a much-needed shower from all this leakage! My sister won’t be too pleased with having to help me bathe but I’ll break the news to her today. After she’s gotten up from her hangover. I just don’t know. I want to sleep the day away so i can get up and it be tomorrow already. but I know that working will take away 8 hours of the day. before i know it, it will be 230 and quitting time. the kids will be getting off from school, and me, I’ll be taking a needed work nap that will lead into Tuesday morning. Then quickly repeat into Wednesday and reveal day.
I’ve also realized that i would be a strict parent. I make sure the two youngest are in bed and going to sleep by 1030 on both Friday and sat, but they should have been in bed by 9. The oldest by 1130. i wasn’t playing. bedtimes need to be had. then last night, the room of the youngest was dirty, soooo super auntie steps up. . . . . clean this room!!! it was done by the two of them in 8 mins. might not have been put away in the right places but it was clean. 20 mins later..bedtime. They listen for the most part, which is good. cause they know auntie gets mean.
well time for my afternoon nap. another hour to sleep and pass by before reveal day. come on already!!!
Journal Entry – March 21, 2018
Reveal Day!!
Today is the day I get to finally see my chest!! My drains will come out (thank goodness because these things are a pain in my side), and I’ll be left with just my compression vest and padding. It’ll be so much easier to move and lay down.
Tomorrow, I fly home back to my life. Back to my baby, my son. Twin checked on him yesterday and said he was clingy as always. I’m sure he’ll be the same way tomorrow. I’ve got meds being delivered tomorrow. I’ve got some items I need to order today from amazon. I can’t wait to start my scar treatment next week. I’ve already got my metipac strips, and I’m sure I need to get some more.
I think my sister is ready for me to leave. I’m gonna order her a phone holder for her car. She needs it when she travels. It’ll be here Friday after I leave. I also need to go to the gas station and hit the atm and get her some cash for helping me. She’s not gonna want it, but I’m gonna drop it in her purse. It won’t seem like much, but I’m appreciative.
Almost to the office with my thrift store shirt!!
March 21, 2018 continued. . . . .
Well I didn’t get the video I wanted of my reveal b/c my sister chickened out. It took all of 6 minutes. All of his staff was busy, it’s not like Dr. Wolf has a lot of staff to begin with, he doesn’t, maybe like 4-5. So to pull someone from what they are doing on a surgery day at that, to come record my 6 mins of glory, wasn’t going to happen when they had to prep for surgery.
So I didn’t get the video I wanted. Thanks Sister!!
But as soon as we got back to the house, off came the bandages, and the vest, and I took photos. My chest looks amazing!!! My scar treatment is going to be a beast, because of my previous reduction scars, and the lipo that went all up and under my arms, they go almost to my back on both sides. But all previous scars are long gone. I now have one scar that runs basically the length of my chest across from under my pit to the other pit.
My chesticles are gone, vanished, nada, no more, zero, zilch, disappeared. No more boobies!! I have the chest that I’ve been dreaming of waking up to have for a long while!!
And without further waiting. . . . . . . . . .
Me and Dr. Wolf, the man who made my dreams come true
the first photo
The left side close up
The front view close up (yes, I opted for no nipples. It’s a shorter recovery time, and well I don’t see the point of having nipples, I never really liked them anyways)
The right side, with small bruise
Now, I just have to work on my belly. Getting it back into shape. More crunches, more ab work, slimming down work, to go along with my flat chest. I mean, look at it, all fluffed out, hanging out over the front of my pants. I gotta do something. They say I could do “cool sculpting” but truthfully, how much would that really work? I still have to work out to maintain it. It would be a cheating way to start. Yeah sure, but it’s great to know that I’m where I want to be.
So where did I start at huh?
Here is where I started:
The top photos were taken at the beginning of February. I went into Vicky Secret’s on the night before my surgery to take some last-minute “goodbye glamour shots” of the girls. The sales associate measured me at a 38D..they look sooo much larger than a D. I felt more like a DD. I’ve always worn a large in a sports bra. Sometime’s an extra-large because the large would be tight around my body. But now, I no longer have to worry about it. I don’t need a bra ever again……let me repeat that..I NEVER NEED ANOTHER BRA IN MY LIFE!!!!!
I’ve already found someone to donate my bra’s too. She’s happy to get them. I’m happy to give them away.
March has been a month for me in my life. It’s like one great thing after another. . . . . but that’s another blog post for another day.
Journal Entry – March 22
Video Entry
Final Journal Entry – March 25, 2018
This is that thing I did….
Well this is it…before I hit publish…I did it. I came into myself. I am living my life. I am happy. If you don’t like it….feel free to unfriend me. But I refuse to live my life to please anyone but me. By focusing on my life journey, and becoming true to self, this is me becoming the truest form of Chelle that I can be. For those who know me by my given name…please also respect my wishes and call me Chelle…I hate my first name. It’s my next step in my process to have that name moved to either be switched with my middle name or just removed all together.
