So i’m currently sitting in an airport in Cleveland Ohio. I haven’t been in this airport before. I’ve been to Dayton and to Cincinnati, but never Cleveland. First thing i saw in the gift shops were things for the Cav’s and Lebron. Funny how just three years ago this city was burning his shyt saying we don’t want you back and now he’s back and they are all up in happiness and love again.
But anyways that’s not the point of this blog.
I’ve got time to think about a lot of things. so let’s try to get through them before I have to board again.
1. Well I met someone. Well technically i didn’t meet her just out the blue. It was through a mutual friend. I kinda had a feeling she was interested…i wasn’t sure until we began texting. I can admit, when i first met her, i was taken back by her beauty and how tall she is. I didn’t know then what she did for a living, but i didn’t care, because I knew that she had a job. Score one…for girls on the move. Then it was broached that we start dating. yes just dating..having the fun, chilling, hanging out. Well some text later it was obvious that the feeling was mutual we were both interested. But there was this one overhead lying thing in the way….i’m trying to move back down south. I mean…it’ll be different if i can get the military to give me my full 100% disability…then i can stay. I can use the money I get to cover my mortgage, pay someone to fix up the place (carpets and paint). I can use my 3 days to come down and pack up my stuff and slowly move it into storage or pay someone to do so over one of those three day weekends. then work the process of converting the house into a rental property.
I mean I kinda like being in DC, I’m getting the help i need that i was never able to get in NC from the VA, i’m established in my job and i’m about to hit a year. I know that the potential to rise above here is limitless until I get my 12, then the hard work gets put in. I mean I know that for the next 4 years, I’m automatically getting a promotion. More money, more responsibility and potential for more travel. My best friend HX just got his dream job, so I would love to be closer to him still. Maybe we could live together once again. I never want to do a roommate situation with anyone but him. I’ve sworn off living with chicks i’m involved in until after we are married. So since that may never happen…there will not be cohabitation. Sure its good to get some on the regular…but hell that’s what romantic nights out are for.
Look at me i got all off track….
So anyhow…the potential is there for me to leave. So if you know me, I got excited about the potential of dating this super hot boi, who not only has an education to back up her quirks, but has this off sense of humor that i could relate to.
Sure i’m still looking at other options. I’m on the dating sites, talking to women trying to size them up. Hell out of all the girls i’ve sent messages to and responded back, she’s the only one that has gotten my number. The other girls are cute, but i’m not sure they are really interested or if they are just testing the boi waters until the femme in their lives gets her act right back. but then again, i’m probably over-thinking it like i always do.
So essentially, she made it clear she’s not looking for a relationship…neither am i. i just got out of a 2.5 year one, that had me engaged for 1.25 of it, celibate for 1.25, disgusted with the relationship, but holding on to see if the feelings would change. needless to say they didn’t.
in the end…i made a bad choice to stay. i should have never proposed, but i guess that was my manic side doing something crazy without rationalizing it. cause i know that had i actually sat down to think about what i was doing…i would have never done it. but the fact that, i bought the ring on a wednesday, had it sized by friday, created the 15 minute proposal video in 2 days and hesitated two days to show it to her…then almost backed out halfway through it…yeah i should have just slapped myself and just broke it off then.
so needless to say….i’m not looking to jump back into another relationship. i love hanging out with people that actually want to hang out with me. I gotta see what these other chicks are up to, but being as how i had a couple other dates planned for last weekend besides the ones that i had lined up with her…but they all canceled at the last minute, or never responded to messages. (oh those dates…don’t have my actual number…but one of those redirect numbers that ring your phone…yeah they have those … in the case i need to get rid of them like asap {stalkers} and if they prove worthy then they get the real line). so i wasn’t feeling very happy.
then on top of it all…i had a wisdom tooth pulled last week. so i learned something…narcotics + mood disorder pills = not totally sane. I swear i lost my mind the week before i was supposed to go out with her. I was probably popping way too many narcotics, then trying to counter act it with my mood pills, which made my mood swings erratic. i’m not trying to make excuses, but i’ve dealt with my disorder long enough to know that when my mind is stabilized i know whats going on right and wrong. so the narcotics basically had me saying all type of crazy shyt all week. even my co-workers were like..what the hell is wrong with you??
so in my head i fucked up royally. just ruined any good chance i had to possibly seeing where if ever this could go with her. well now, its going no where. i was super excited to. i spent a great deal of time looking at her lips, engraving them in my brain, wondering what it would have been like to kiss them good night.
but in the end…yeah. the second date …. ended up not being a date, but just a gathering. on her birthday. i sat next to her, and found myself leaning in whenever i felt her body close to mine. eventually i couldn’t take it…i just adjusted in my seat so my back was partially to her. i kept having the urge to reach over and grab her hand and hold it. i fought that urge all through out the movie. then we went to dinner, and she sat across from me at the table. im short she’s tall…i kept looking around the creepy place to avoid looking her in the eye, unless i was talking to her. it was weird cause it was like i was extremely scared. via text i could tell her just about anything, but in person…i was lost for words. luckily there were 2 other people there who kept the conversation going. i could barely eat, i had made myself so nauseated dreading the potential awkward moments like the one were having, that i lost my appetite. when it came time to go, it was her birthday, so i picked up her tab. then we said our “see you laters” and it was an awkward hug. i walked my homie to the metro, since she insisted on riding it home instead of me giving her a ride. then i turned on my heels and walked back to my car. i sat there for a minute dumbfounded at the nights events. i didn’t even know how or if i should text her back and say goodnight…even now…im hesitant to text her.
i know she probably thinks….damn that girl got issues…i cant deal with that. and honestly i wouldn’t blame her. i’d stay away from me too. but since im trying to deal with my disorder up front and not hide away like i have done for the first 10 years after being diagnosed.
its so night and day with me and my disorder…when you see me at work you would never know i get highly depressed. that i’ve had the thoughts of killing myself, that they occasionally come back. even my supervisor was in shock when i told her. when i talked to one of my other co-workers (who displays the same symptoms i have) about my problems and some of my life experiences…she just sat back with her mouth agape. sucking the air out the room in shock. but then again if someone tells you that they have tried to commit suicide over a dozen times…i’d look shocked too.
but that’s besides the point. i ruined it. now i slightly think…how can i go back to being friends…and not wonder what if?
strange part is that i have friends whom i was romantically involved with. (hence the friend im going to see at some point when this airline gets their shit together) and have remained good friends with. but of course its because we were friends for a long time before it got to that point. (me and this friend have known each other since 2005/6, and had a brief 6 month LD romance in 2009 before we saw each other and realized that we were better as friends)
oh well…win some lose some right?
now to sit here and figure out what im going to do for the next 2.5 hours. guess i’ll watch a movie, though i want to go somewhere and lay down and get some sleep. since 4 am thursday morning, i’ve had 3 hours of sleep. plus i just had a double shot of a whiskey sour on top of my salad i had. so yeah…feeling a little tipsy/sleep/angered (from this day so far)/and bloated. dairy from the ranch dressing…wow.
well let me put up my stuff and find a corner to rest in.
i’m sure i’ll blog more over the next week.
