This picture speaks volumes to me:
I love to challenge the mental in a relationship dialogue. Probably why so many ppl stop talking to me b/c I’m not a “just bow down and agree with me type” .. . . . . No I want to debate you on the subject, challenge you to be critical, take the opposite POV, ask the “what if” questions.
Even in my friendships, I challenge the status quo, I don’t want a bunch of “yes men” types around me…disagree with me, tell me I’m wrong and don’t be shy to say so. Maybe you can change my opinion. Hell I’ve been looking at things a lot differently lately b/c I’ve been challenged to do so. I’ve thought things the same way for so long, but I’m just like hmmm maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental.
This is regarding femme women. I still won’t date them, but I know that me giving them a chance will 90%-95% end in failure, due to me not liking their style of dress, their mannerisms. Hell, I went out with a femme a month ago. She didn’t even dress feminine, but the way she picked over her food, was a turn off to me. She seemed like a cool person and I really tried to get to know her, but through text and calls I was fine, until we met…the way she carried herself just turned me off. I was a pure gentleman, but I am just used to my type of woman being a bit more dominant in particular scenes. Like eating out, you tell the waiter that I’ll order first, b/c you’re still looking over the menu. You hold the door for me. That makes me feel secure with my dominant partner. I’m not much for pda, but when we get home, lead in the romance unless I’m just really in the mood.
Sure there will be moments where I’ll take the lead role, if I feel appropriate, or I feel like I have to be the more dominant of us two, but I don’t want to be that all the time.
I’m just gonna be single it seems. I thought I had found my perfect match. Even compromised to have kids with this person. We were the right dose of 50/50 dominant on everything. The chemistry was amazing from the start. But I just wasn’t “woman” enough for them in the end. B/c I no longer considered myself cisgender female, they couldn’t see themselves with me any longer and could only view me as a friend. We could still do partner type things and say partner type sayings, but we’d only ever just be friends…and they never understood how confusing that second part was. It was like…being in a relationship but without the title. I’m committed to you, without being committed to you b/c you could find your person at any moment, then I’m left holding my bag of feelings on this lonely street corner.
But that’s all behind me now. I had to learn to hate this person to get over me feelings for them. So whenever I catch myself even remotely thinking I might feel something for them, I remember them saying to me that I’ll never be anything more than a friend to them. That they don’t see me as anything else, that I’m not worth it. And it makes the anger that is in me stir up and the feelings die out. I picture their emotionless face as they said these words, and how they just looked at me as if they had not one ounce of feelings towards me, just zero feelings at that moment and was dead inside. Their voice was so monotone, and devoid of feelings, like it could kill me at any second. The only thing that would have made that moment any worse is it they had gotten up and left. Lawd knows I wanted to. I wanted to cry, I was in shock, I didn’t know what to do, to cry, scream, yell, walk away, run, kick them out, I had no idea.
I was in love so I tried to talk my way back in. It never worked. In my mind it was never over, b/c we continued on like it was never happened (see the Toxic post) and I never got a chance to really get over it, or get over them. My feelings were never taken into consideration, I was just supposed to turn off my emotions from “in love” to “friend” just that.
But now I’ve got all this pent up anger towards this person. I’ve blown up at them once. I get frustrated with them frequently and take silence breaks when I feel the anger coming on. We fight constantly these days. But we’re moths drawn to the same flame.
