So the other day i was chilling at home and minding my own business. When my therapy animal…my baby..my child…had a seizure. I about lost my mind. So after taking care of him, I contacted my best friend of course and let her know what was happening. She knows and understands that Tobie is my world. I would be shattered if anything happened to him.
Next I contacted this person who is in my life. I let them know. They had gotten to know him quite well. I’ve been trying to keep my distance from this person. So i haven’t been reaching out to them, and letting them come to me when they need anything, to prove that this is a friendship that is worth salvaging. Because let’s face it, lately i feel like I’m the one putting in all the work to make this work.
So this is the first time that i’ve reached out to them since the last time i tried and failed miserably after coming out of my crisis (outside of their birthday). So the day after, I just left it at that. I didn’t think much about it and went on with my life. Well they reached out on late Tuesday night after I had gone to bed, stating that they were thinking about me and asked how i was doing. I just replied that i was keeping myself busy, trying to keep my mind off of things the best and only way I knew how so i wasn’t a burden to anyone. B/C…their words…being my friend can be emotionally draining.
They responded that i’m not a burden, that people care. I just shrugged my shoulders as i read the text. i responded that i’m just trying to be precautionary before things get bad. Then i thought about it all day and responded later that night, …. thanks for being kind,, but ppl in my life have made things clear where i stand in their lives. which is why i chose to deal with life the way i do. the fact that i can count on one hand the number of people that i can depend on to truly be. there for me and not just be all talk. Then i stated that i’m just predispositioned to be single because no one wants someone who thinks about suicide all the time. so i am a burden.
Their response….”whatever you want to do i’m here for you. at this point i’m here for support more than anything.”
I’m like what the fuck does that even mean???
“at this point i’m here for support more than anything”
like i asked for you to be more than anything else? am i expecting you to be anything else? did i assume you to be anything else?
I’m so confused at this moment. What does “at this point” mean? Are you tired of me having crisis? Because you don’t have to stick around. I was doing just fine and managing just the same without you. I was going mental all the same and doing me long before you came into the picture. So what point are we talking about??? Where you try to force me to be social when i have clearly stated that is not how i process my crisis. How you try to force me to tell you my every waking move when I’m clearly not in the right mind to deal with people. How your feelings appear to get so hurt if I’m not communicating with you 24/7? I just need to know what point are we talking about? So i can avoid that point.
And the only support i need is when its all said and done. just the support that i lived through another crisis attack. that’s all i have asked for from you in the last few months. nothing more. because i know you can’t and won;t give more than that. you can’t commit to anything more than that. so i would be wasting my time expecting anything more. so i don’t. it’s pointless of me to expect what will never come. i just stay in my tiny ass lane. it’s why i prefer to do things on my own,so i’m not dependent on any damn body. when i let myself down, i’m my own worst enemy. i don’t have to look other people in the face and wonder why they didn’t stand up for me like they said they would. i only have to look myself in the mirror and tell myself what a fuck up i am. i beat myself up enough, i don’t need the judgment from other people.
so the “support” you are here for. . . . . maybe save it for when you find whatever point you came for.