Thoughts of a Pimp

First there is no response needed, just read and understand what I’m about to say.

I feel like you are trying to push your agenda for what you want my life to be onto me. While I appreciate that you have this positive outlook on life and are very optimistic about my life. While I was optimistic at one point, you helped me to quickly realize that what I envisioned to be happiness was only just a dream and a fantasy and that I should be realistic about it. Now thinking about it, and the past 20 years, it’s like this is truly my destiny. I meet whom I think is the great one, then they decide that they can’t be with me or things fall apart. Much less or I’m interested and they aren’t at all. Destiny that I’m supposed to be alone.

Please stop trying to interject yourself and your wishes into my personal life. I can’t make or find associates so you feel like you have to find them for me. Or find someone that you feel will like me, that also likes you so we can all hang out, that doesn’t know our full history. That doesn’t know just how heart broken over you I was. That doesn’t know that you are the reason I don’t want to date ever again. B/c if they did, they wouldn’t want to be entangled in this friendship b/c they are only getting one side of the story.

I really want this friendship to work, but in order for that to be, you need to respect these wishes of mine and take a step back when it comes to me and my thoughts on my life. Stop trying to be the fix it all cure. If I wanted you to fix my problems, I’d ask you to do that. If I wanted you to find me new acquaintances I’d ask you to do that.

Did you ever think there was a reason why I’m isolating myself from the world right now? That I’m working on me. That I’m not ready for letting people in to my life. That I’m not mentally stable for new people? That I’m probably going through something and I haven’t told you b/c you’ll want to fix it and I don’t want you to fix it. That I’m just here right now with a fake ass smile every day and I’m still going through depression but I’m faking it til I make it. That the worst time of the year is coming up for me and it’s only going to get worse for me.

There is a method to my madness, and you just go about your ways without ever fully paying attention to me. You see things in your own eyes. Never from my POV, but from the way that benefits you with no regard to how it effects me in any way. It’s a lot of you, you, you…but never the thought of us really. This friendship….this throuple friendship….did you really think it through? Or were you firstly thinking about how happy it would make you to have a buffer between us. So you jumped on the idea, without ever really thinking …does Chelle really want someone new in her life? Is there a reason why she has pulled away from the public? Is this really a good idea? Should I maybe talk to her first before I mention her to this person and get their hopes up b/c she may not be even feeling it? Does she even have thoughts about meeting people? Does she want to have a third travel partner? Does this really seem like a good idea? I’ve know her for a year now, what is her reaction truly going to be?

I bet none of that crossed your mind, just oh this is a great idea b/c I’ll get a new traveling buddy and Chelle will be there as well so I’ll be happy.

I’m tired of having to explain that my life isn’t for fixing. It isn’t broken. This is just my life.

I’m in my Optima on my way to work somewhere. Chilling listening to Missy Elliot’s DripDemeanor track on repeat. I’m flowing with traffic. In the far right lane. It’s my first day I think. I’m pulling up to a light and a gas station. I notice the cars in front of me slowing down I look ahead and see a bunch of gravel on the ground. The car ahead of me is driving up on the curb, it’s too late for me, so I’m worried about tire spin out. I slow down even more, the car behind me doesn’t slow down and hits me. I’m pissed b/c I’ll be late to work now. I pull into the gas station, thinking they do the same, nope they take off.

I dip into traffic behind them, they hit the gas. I grab as much detail as I can, grey Buick skylark, plate starts with 435, 4 door, dark vinyl top, 85/90ish model very old school. I pull off even though I could floor it and catch up with them. I debate go to work shrug it off, call the cops call my insurance…I still haven’t looked at my car. I’m gonna have to pay for this. I go back to the gas station, call the cops and report the hit and run. The station has video, I get the copy of it for my case. I won’t have to pay,but my deductible. My cars not really that bad.

Then as I’m getting back in to head off to work again, I wake up.

How to have a whole relationship in songs. From loving a person to hating a person to detesting a person to having hope. I may not have put these in the right order.

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“Wishful Drinking”

Maybe I’m just wishful drinking
Give my heart something to sink in
Better make it two, nothing I won’t do
For another round of me and you

I know it’s a shot in the dark
Looking for what’s left of a spark
Throwing ’em back like I got nothing to lose
It’s a slow burn just like you
Everybody says, “give it time”
But I’m feeling like I’m stuck on rewind
Throwing ’em back like I got nothing to lose
It’s a slow burn just like you
When I’m a couple in I get optimistic
Like you and me are realistic

Maybe I’m just wishful drinking
Give my heart something to sink in
Better make it two, nothing I won’t do
For another round of me and you
I get hopeful when I’m tipsy
Thinking you might actually miss me
It’s 100 proof, nothing I won’t do
For another round of me and you
I’m wishful drinking

With every sip I’m getting closer
To thinking that we ain’t really over
I know it ain’t right but baby just for tonight
I don’t wanna have no closure
When I’m a couple in I get optimistic
Like you and me are realistic

Maybe I’m just wishful drinking
Give my heart something to sink in
Better make it two, nothing I won’t do
For another round of me and you
I get hopeful when I’m tipsy
Thinking you might actually miss me
It’s 100 proof, nothing I won’t do
For another round of me and you
I’m wishful drinking
Yeah, I’m wishful drinking, wishful drinking
Wishful drinking, wishful drinking

I’m tracing your footprints through my memories
Trying to find where we went wrong
Replacing the space you left with new things
Nothing I try lasts long

Maybe I’m just wishful drinking
Give my heart something to sink in
Better make it two, nothing I won’t do
For another round of me and you
I get hopeful when I’m tipsy
Thinking you might actually miss me
It’s 100 proof, nothing I won’t do
For another round of me and you
I’m wishful drinking

Yeah
I’m wishful drinking
I’m wishful drinking

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“My Person”

I was lookin’ for a long time
I never found nobody like you
I saw you order up a Mai Tai
And suddenly I wanted one too
Got your name, got your number
And we talked till they turned all the lights
I was lookin’ for a long time

I didn’t know that night I found my person
My heartbeat, my slow dance
My Sunday morning sippin’ on coffee in bed
My know-when-you-know best friend
The stealer of my t-shirts, my reason for speedin’ home from work
My savin’ grace
My everything
I never been more sure that you’re my person

Even when you blow the punchline
Nobody makes me laugh like you do
Every minute is a long time
If I ain’t holdin’ on to you
You’re my stay-in on the weekend
You’re my come undone
You’re my call home, sayin’, “It’s more than love”
Mama, she’s the one, yeah

You’re my person
My heartbeat, my slow dance
My Sunday morning sippin’ on coffee in bed
My know-when-you-know best friend
The stealer of my t-shirts, my reason for speedin’ home from work
My saving grace
My everything
I never been more sure that you’re my person

Look ahead up the road
And you know I see you there
Rockin’ chair, little gray in your hair
Yeah, I’m still gonna stare

‘Cause you’re my person
My heartbeat, my slow dance
My Sunday morning sippin’ on coffee in bed
My know-when-you-know best friend
The stealer of my t-shirts, my reason for speedin’ home from work
My savin’ grace
My everything
I never been more sure that you’re my person
Yeah, baby, you’re my person

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“If I Didn’t Love You”

I wouldn’t mind being alone
I wouldn’t keep checking my phone
Wouldn’t take the long way home
Just to drive myself crazy
I wouldn’t be losing sleep
Remembering everything
Everything you said to me
Like I’m doing lately

You, you wouldn’t be all
All that I want
Baby I could let go

If I didn’t love you I’d be good by now
I’d be better than barely getting by somehow
Yeah it would be easy not to miss you
Wonder about who’s with you
Turn the “want you” off whenever I want to
If I didn’t love you
If I didn’t love you

I wouldn’t still cry sometimes
Wouldn’t have to fake a smile
Play it off and tell a lie
When somebody asked how I’ve been
I’d try to find someone new (Someone new)
It should be something I can do (I could do)
Baby if it weren’t for you
I wouldn’t be in the state that I’m in

Yeah, you
You wouldn’t be all
All that I want
Baby, I could let go

If I didn’t love you I’d be good by now
I’d be better than barely getting by somehow
Yeah it would be easy not to miss you
Wonder about who’s with you
Turn the “want you” off whenever I want to
If I didn’t love you
If I didn’t love you
Oh, if I didn’t love you

It wouldn’t be so hard to see you
Know how much I need you
Wouldn’t hate that I still feel like I do
If I didn’t love you
Oh, if I didn’t love you
If I didn’t love you

If I didn’t love you I’d be good by now
I’d be better than barely getting by somehow
Yeah it would be easy not to miss you
Wonder about who’s with you
Turn the “want you” off whenever I want to
If I didn’t love you (Yeah)
If I didn’t love you
Oh, if I didn’t love you
If I didn’t love you
If I didn’t love you
If I didn’t love you

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“Be Like That”
(feat. Swae Lee & Khalid)

I might be better on my own
I hate you blowing up my phone
I wish I never met yo’ ass
Sometimes it be like that
But I’m not myself the nights you’re gone
There ain’t no way I’m moving on
I’m not afraid to need you bad
Sometimes it be like that

We both wanna love
We both wanna slide
We both wanna argue until we’re both right
And you want a hug
I kiss you goodnight
Maybe we’re both just out of our mind

You throw tantrums while I’m twisting up
No medicine is fixing us
Can’t tell you why but tell you what
You got me thinking

I might be better on my own
I hate you blowing up my phone
I wish I never met yo’ ass
Sometimes it be like that
But I’m not myself the nights you’re gone
There ain’t no way I’m moving on
I’m not afraid to need you bad
Sometimes it be like that

I cross the seas witchu’
Wasn’t even supposed to be witchu’
Yeah, and it gets crazy in the night
I cannot sleep with you
And I could keep you nice and warm
Won’t do no thinking, I’m in love
If I was to give you the world
That’s anything that you can think of

Got too much going to be upset
I swear I’d rather be your friend
I said I’m gonna be right back
It hurts sometimes it be like that

I might be better on my own
I hate you blowing up my phone
I wish I never met yo’ ass
Sometimes it be like that
But I’m not myself the nights you’re gone
There ain’t no way I’m moving on
I’m not afraid to need you bad
Sometimes it be like that

Sometimes when you thought you found the love of your life
Now you’re thinking I’m just one of those guys leading on
I can’t help when you read it wrong

Don’t know why I trip on us
You put me down, I pick you up
Can’t tell you why, but tell you what
You got me thinking

I might be better on my own
I hate you blowing up my phone
I wish I never met yo’ ass
Sometimes it be like that
But I’m not myself the nights you’re gone
There ain’t no way I’m moving on
I’m not afraid to need you bad
Sometimes it be like that

Sometimes when you’re falling off track
Baby, don’t you leave me like that
Don’t cry
‘Cause we’re both just out of our mind

The old saying “Actions speak louder than words” is a good phrase to live by. I wholeheartedly uphold people to that phrase. I always tell people…that their actions are what i hold them accountable for. Words mean nothing to me, but actions mean everything. Probably why my love language is acts of service and not words of affirmation.

So when it comes to matters of the heart, i need people to do what they say they are going to do. I hold my partners and my friends to very high standards.

So when it comes to friends, i do expect them to be there in times of need. I don’t consider too many people friends, so when i do feel like you deserve the title, then you’ve earned it. but you gotta keep it up. i’m a complex type of person. i do for some reason seem to require a lot of care from my friends. those who have known me for many years, have grown used to my antics.

But with partners, its also the same thing. only with them they should hopefully be willing to step up to the plate.

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So the point of this blog…..actions…they speak louder than words. since march or so, i’ve heard “we should just be friends, and only friends” “i only see you as a friend, nothing more” “we can never work out” “it won’t work out between us, we’re too different, i have a preference and you don’t fit it”

So that’s on one hand i hear this almost daily. but when we flip over the coin to the other hand it’s a totally different story. The actions don’t match the words.

So if we’re just friends. . . . . do friends hold hands? do friends make out? do friends hug up on each other? do friends tell each other they love one another but the words are said not with the intention that means “i love you buddy”, but are said with the underlying message that makes your clit jump and a heart stop beating.

I mean don’t get me wrong, i tell my friends that i love them all the time, but when i say it, i mean buddy..i care about you, i love just having you around and you just are one chill ass person to have in my life, thanks for being a friend…..cue Golden Girls theme song.

But nope…with this friend…when i hear i love you from them, i don’t get Golden Girls theme song vibes. i get that romantic, heart thumping, clit pounding, i want you back into my life, please never leave me vibe.

with my friends we chill and just hang out like no pressure. we just enjoy the company of one another. if we go places it doesn’t feel forced to be there with one another. we are just in the moment of now. we can go on trips with one another and while we’re still “together” we’re also apart, but together. we have a separate vacation but we’re taking it together. we can chill in the same room, separate beds, it’s like a sleepover. we stay up late, watch movies, eat junk food, talk like teenagers and eventually we fall asleep in our own beds. when we get up, we go out and do whatever we came to do. while we may be together, we are still doing them separately. so it doesn’t feel like someone is being left out if the other doesn’t want to do it.

but with this one friend, the vacations never feel that way. we’ve done a few trips together. each one, it’s always been one bed, we almost always gotta do everything together, or one of us is angst about the other feeling left out (not me though, i like my personal time alone). sure there are some slight times where it feels like regular friends, but for the most times, it feels like i’m in a relationship on vacation. like i’m not my own person doing my own thing. like i’m having to check in.

i guess it boils down to boundaries. where is the line drawn at? where does the friend line get drawn at? what constitutes what you need to know as my friend? what do we need to do as friends while we are out and about. can we just relax or am i stuck with you the whole time? can i leave you in the hotel room and go off and do my own thing? are you gonna text me and ask when i will be back? or what…what is the procedure here?

i’m just saying that all of this just doesn’t feel like just friends to me. your actions feel like more. like you’re hiding your true feelings because you are afraid of them. i don’t know. right now, i just wanna say that i don’t care. but i do a little bit, but i’m fed up with it all. i’m confused. i hear these other lines so much, but your actions say that your feelings are so much more than what you are saying.

so say what is deep inside your heart. what you truly feel. although i’m sure if you’re reading this, you will probably be too chicken to say what you truly feel because you can’t commit to shit. you want to leave your options open because you want to pick this hill to die on. to stand fast in your words and let what is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you go. but hey that’s your prerogative. you picked the hill, you picked the ammunition, now you pull the trigger.

i just know, i won’t allow you to play with my emotions. you can tell me your “true feelings” but the fact is, i probably won’t believe you, b/c for so long, i’ve heard your other narrative. so that’s what keeps playing in my mind on repeat, on sound level 100. that’s what i believe to be is true. but i keep sneak watching your actions that don’t live up to the hype of what you are saying. and i’m like the old man in Coming to America….ah haaaa…ah haaa. You ain’t slick.

Make your actions and your words unite to be as one. make up your mind. stop trying to confuse folks. its a sad fucking hill to die on. if you want something, speak the fuck up, stop trying to be this big bold fucker and just let yourself fall in love and allow yourself to be loved. the world isn’t gonna end if that shit happens.

They say it’s a thin line between love and hate. Well it appears in the case of my love life, it’s an even thinner line between love and the single life. My last attempt at a relationship truly scarred me on even trying to date ever again. I don’t think the person knows or fails to see the gravity of just how bad they truly fucked up the aspect of dating for me.

Even the thought of getting to know a person, has me constantly wondering

• “does this person actually want to get to know me, or are they saying that just to get in my pants”
• “do they really want to get to know me, or are they just trying to get to know some facts about what its like to be trans for their later transition in life”
• “do they really care about me, or are they just looking to kill time until their dream person comes along”
• “am i really what they are looking for, or am i just an experiment to them”
• “do they see me as me, or just a freak show”
• “do they see me as me, or just as a ‘man/thing’ they can check off and say i’ve tried it, but it’s not for me”

Then if i did give someone the chance to date me, i’m always going to wonder when are they gonna hit me with the line….it’s not you, its me…i just don’t see us working out, i just see you as a friend and nothing more. i can’t commit to you, i have commitment issues, i tried to look past who you are are and try something new, but i just can’t make this work for me, i tried to give it a shot, but it just won’t work. i enjoy sex with you, but together we won’t work, i just don’t see it happening.

Essentially, i make myself vulnerable to them and they walk all over me. i let myself get attached to them, let myself hope and dream for a future, and then bam, i get hit in the face with a 4×4, b/c i’m not dating material. i’m not their preference. because i never was their dating preference to begin with. i was just a trial by experience. let me see if i can open my mind….nope not even…so let me lead you on, get you hooked and then wrap this cement block to your feet and drop you in the middle of this lake experiment.

before my last dating experience, i had basically only seen myself as being single for the rest of my days. i was content with it. i had basically written out my life, as a single person, who had accepted who they were. i was okay with my sexual history at the time. i was letting whoever use me as they pleased, i wasn’t getting satisfied, but that was okay, because i could always finish the job on my own. i was satisfied with that.

then i had to go and meet this person. experience sex in a whole new light, discover what it meant to be sexually fulfilled. now the act just isn’t the same. but alas, i’m back to not getting any because those who were there before, just don’t like up to the same hype. so they all got dropped, what’s the point of no pleasure if there isn’t any pleasure once you’ve experienced pleasure. now i’m back to picturing my life as a single person again.

which is strange because my friends, who saw pictures of me and this person, tell me that they could see the love we had for one another. that i had for them and they had for me. even in pictures we took after we split and became FWBs, they could still see love in our pictures. not just friend love, but love love…..they kinda love you have for someone. you want to spend your life with. that;’s why i had to hide all those pictures in my phone. i couldn’t bear to see that look every time i opened my photo app. to be reminded of what once was. nope not doing it.

even had a friend tell me, maybe it was knowing that there was going to be distance between YA’ll which was the reason why they broke it off. distance makes people fight, it’s why they are currently fighting with their spouse..the distance. i just shrugged and said whatever. distance or no distance….they have made themselves clear…they don’t want me. and if they said they do…….why should i believe them at this point??? for the last 6 months all i’ve heard is…i only see you as a friend, i don’t see you ars anything more. what the fuck has changed? i haven’t changed? i’m still the same person i was 6 months ago. just not as optimistic or happy as i was then. my life turned to shit after that weekend. my whole attitude towards them changed because i couldn’t trust a thing they said. i felt (and still feel) like what they tell me most of the time is a lie.

what i should have done that weekend, after they said what they said…was told them to leave my house. i should have cut all communication with them right then and there. but i was a dumbass love sick puppy. i didn’t want to believe that it was over. i wanted to fight for what i believed was us. the love didn’t flip a switch in me like it did in them. it wasn’t over for me, it was over for them. i was just a pawn in their game.

but now here i am, months later….not necessarily bitter….still pissed about it all, but over it the best i can be. living my life the only way i know how. in silent mode. avoiding the world, avoiding them at this moment, avoiding ppl, avoiding the potential for relationships, avoiding love at all cost. i had my heart ripped out, stomped on, shattered into a million pieces. never to be put back together again.

i know people say y ou shouldn’t let one person ruin your hopes for happiness, but if you never had hope for happiness is it really letting one person ruin it if they were the only person you ever sought out happiness with?

i dunno….but i’m tired of ppl telling me that my “one” will come …. like if that was the case….they’d be here by now. i’m not willing to go through this hurt and pain over and over again just to keep “trying” to find that one….no fucking thanks. this last time almost damn near killed me. another time will kill me for sure. my heart and emotions can’t take it. i’ll just be a heartless bastard until it’s worth it. stone cold bitch. not giving up one inch in the feelings department. not giving a fuck about anyone or anything. because why the hell should i? no one gives a royal fuck about me or my feelings. they just want to walk all over them. use me up and then throw away the fucking key. just a fucking friend.

I realized last night that “they” are probably reading my post. . . . . and wondering why is it that i can post my feelings, emotions, and thoughts on my blog and not openly tell them what is on my mind. Well the fact of the matter is, when i write in my blog, I don’t get immediate judgement.

They say they don’t don’t judge me, but their words, their actions, their after-actions, their after words, the way they treat me, the way they act towards me, is all different. I notice the small changes in how people act towards me. but in my blog, i can say what is on my mind and no one is going to judge me, except the readers, but i don’t have to worry about the readers. they only get what i put out there.

so i write my feelings, i can say what’s on my mind without someone automatically wondering what is wrong with me.

I look at my viewer stats, i see where my viewers come from, what city and state. At first i was looking for where they were, but then it dawned on me that they were using a VPN, which means that they are probably listed in their home area. I’ve been seeing a lot of their home area in my stats. That was eye opening last night when i was posting my latest blog. I guess because i’m not posting on social media, this is the next best thing to keeping up with what’s going on in my mind.

If you’re reading my thoughts, i’m surprised that one hasn’t said a word about what they may or may not have read to me yet. like they are waiting for just the right moment to bring it up to blow it up and be like, well you said this in your blog, or just mention something and hope that i catch on that it was something i wrote. well i typically don’t remember shit that i write, once the thoughts leave my mind and get down onto paper/the web, i’m done with them. the words are out of my head and i’m through with them. they no longer live rent free in my head.

i evict my thoughts once i start writing, it’s the only way for me have a life that isn’t constantly bludgeoned by thoughts that weigh me down.

So the other day i was chilling at home and minding my own business. When my therapy animal…my baby..my child…had a seizure. I about lost my mind. So after taking care of him, I contacted my best friend of course and let her know what was happening. She knows and understands that Tobie is my world. I would be shattered if anything happened to him.

Next I contacted this person who is in my life. I let them know. They had gotten to know him quite well. I’ve been trying to keep my distance from this person. So i haven’t been reaching out to them, and letting them come to me when they need anything, to prove that this is a friendship that is worth salvaging. Because let’s face it, lately i feel like I’m the one putting in all the work to make this work.

So this is the first time that i’ve reached out to them since the last time i tried and failed miserably after coming out of my crisis (outside of their birthday). So the day after, I just left it at that. I didn’t think much about it and went on with my life. Well they reached out on late Tuesday night after I had gone to bed, stating that they were thinking about me and asked how i was doing. I just replied that i was keeping myself busy, trying to keep my mind off of things the best and only way I knew how so i wasn’t a burden to anyone. B/C…their words…being my friend can be emotionally draining.

They responded that i’m not a burden, that people care. I just shrugged my shoulders as i read the text. i responded that i’m just trying to be precautionary before things get bad. Then i thought about it all day and responded later that night, …. thanks for being kind,, but ppl in my life have made things clear where i stand in their lives. which is why i chose to deal with life the way i do. the fact that i can count on one hand the number of people that i can depend on to truly be. there for me and not just be all talk. Then i stated that i’m just predispositioned to be single because no one wants someone who thinks about suicide all the time. so i am a burden.

Their response….”whatever you want to do i’m here for you. at this point i’m here for support more than anything.”

I’m like what the fuck does that even mean???

“at this point i’m here for support more than anything”

like i asked for you to be more than anything else? am i expecting you to be anything else? did i assume you to be anything else?

I’m so confused at this moment. What does “at this point” mean? Are you tired of me having crisis? Because you don’t have to stick around. I was doing just fine and managing just the same without you. I was going mental all the same and doing me long before you came into the picture. So what point are we talking about??? Where you try to force me to be social when i have clearly stated that is not how i process my crisis. How you try to force me to tell you my every waking move when I’m clearly not in the right mind to deal with people. How your feelings appear to get so hurt if I’m not communicating with you 24/7? I just need to know what point are we talking about? So i can avoid that point.

And the only support i need is when its all said and done. just the support that i lived through another crisis attack. that’s all i have asked for from you in the last few months. nothing more. because i know you can’t and won;t give more than that. you can’t commit to anything more than that. so i would be wasting my time expecting anything more. so i don’t. it’s pointless of me to expect what will never come. i just stay in my tiny ass lane. it’s why i prefer to do things on my own,so i’m not dependent on any damn body. when i let myself down, i’m my own worst enemy. i don’t have to look other people in the face and wonder why they didn’t stand up for me like they said they would. i only have to look myself in the mirror and tell myself what a fuck up i am. i beat myself up enough, i don’t need the judgment from other people.

so the “support” you are here for. . . . . maybe save it for when you find whatever point you came for.

Since my last posting, I did exactly as I said I was going to do and I have left them to their vices. I have maintained my distance since that is what seemed appropriate for the current situation. I mean, given everything that was going on, it seemed like maybe I was over reacting, or over stepping, so I took a giant step back and said well maybe this space and distance is what is needed right now.

But i did what i promised i’d do. i texted on their birthday. I mean, i’d be a shitty friend to not acknowledge their birthday. I sent an e-card, a gift via email that was personally thought out, and some money. I wanted to send a real card, but I never had the address to send one so i couldn’t. After that, i went back to my silence. Back to living my life.

I spent the entire day catching up with an old friend who recently moved back to town after having been gone for 3 years. It felt good to be able to catch up. We sat and talked for like 4 almost 5 hours. I explained everything that i had been going through recently, including some of the things with this person. and like with my preacher friend, i got some advice that made me think after the fact. lots on my mind after i got in the truck and drove home.

The next day, i hung out with this same friend and their wife for the entire day. it felt like old times again. like how we used to hang out. when they lived here together. i can’t wait until they are both here again so i will actually get out of the house more. things haven’t been the same since they left three years ago.

But while i was out with them, guess who texted to see what i was doing?

yup, they did, the one i’m keeping my distance from. they wanted to see what i was doing. i guess they thought i was playing about keeping my distance from them. i’m not reaching out at this point. if you want contact with me, you reach out to me. as far as i’m concerned, i’m just a ghost at this point. i don’t exist. i’m as good as dead to you far as i’m concerned.

i’ll answer messages and say what needs to be said, but i’m not carrying on a full blown out conversation for unnecessary reasons. i’m keeping it short and sweet.

---

Today, i got contacted to watch a movie. i guess to round out the bday weekend. and to see if i would fall back into my old ways. well i did watch the movie, but afterwards was just a bit painful. i was unsure what to say. like i kinda knew what to say, but was unsure where to interject what i wanted to say. so i said i’d call back so i could run an errand and go talk to my neighbors. i need to remind them about their dogs for the upcoming days. one didn’t answer their door. so i’m going to have to go back and try again, perhaps take a post-it note back with me to leave in case they don’t answer again. I just want don’t want to have to chase dogs all over the neighborhood. especially dogs that don’t belong to me.

so for now i’m just circling the yard, watching for them to come home. so i can alert them. damn neighbors.

My good friends (the people i actually consider friends and not just associates or acquaintances) know that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Well I guess you readers do too now huh? Anyhow, my friends typically have known me for years. So they know I go through a process when I’m in crisis. My process is usually self-isolate, reject social media (or lurk very quietly), speak only when necessary, work, eat, shower when i feel up to it, and sleep. Lots of fucking sleep. Repeat and repeat. If I get the inclination that a crisis is coming on, I can usually warn them that it’s coming, so when i disappear, it’s not a total shock to them. BUt sometimes, it’s a sudden onset, and I just go ghost. But for those who know me, I’ll try to get word out that I’m going through a crisis at some point, when i’m not feeling as bad one day, then they know that i’m just gonna be gone for a while and they don’t worry as much. or if they do worry….they never tell me. Even my best friends, people i’ve known for over two decades….they don’t trip when i disappear, because they know at some point, i‘’ll get back in touch when the crisis has been averted. they give me my space and let me do my thing. They usually give me about 1.5 to 2 weeks to stay missing before they check in, then they go back to their lives and continue living and letting me do my thing. they don’t spaz out when they don’t hear from me. They know if something was to happen, and i don’t check in within those two weeks, then they come looking, or at least one of them comes looking, then alerts the rest to what they find. it’s her job to keep everyone up to date if i do actually kill myself. she has the passcodes to everything to contact everyone, and to prepare my funeral, knows what to do with my body, is responsible and is listed as my next of kin, she is my family. I know it’s a lot to put on a person, but over the years we’ve talked in detail about this and she understands the job and accepts the responsibility.

Now the most recent person in my life to earn the title of friend, doesn’t understand any of this. they freak out when i disappear or go no contact for days. they get all nervous and start to worry, start blowing up the phone, messages, instant messenger, all of the ways of contact. mind you, i’ve explained to them how i manage my depression numerous times. so i have to wonder…were they ever listening to me when i spoke to them? did you hear me or were you only listening when it was convenient for you? Do you get upset because you want to start an argument? or does it bother you that i’m doing things my way and not the way that you would do things? that i’m not open with you about my feelings? that i can’t tell you what’s going on in my head? or how i’m feeling at that exact moment? shit, i can’t even tell myself how i’m feeling, or my therapist because I don’t fucking know. I can’t tell you how long a crisis is going to last because i don’t fucking know, i can give you a warning when i feel it, but if it suddenly comes on, there is no warning to give. If its a bad day, then yes i’m going to ignore you just like i’m ignoring everyone. you aren’t special in that moment. i’ll try to make contact when i can to let you know what’s going on, but don’t mistake that for me trying to keep in touch. i have some good days, but i have a lot of bad days in crisis. the few good days in crisis may seem like i’m okay, and i can talk to you like everything is fine, but until i tell you i’m out of crisis, don’t assume that i am. don’t assume that i’m all better. i’m not, not even remotely. i can have the perfect day and by night fall it can all go directly to shit. and i’ll feel like putting a bullet in my brain all in the same day.

now this friend, i feel like they judge me. because when i came out of my most recent crisis, i contacted them to let them know. and the first thing was that they didn’t respond at all. so i questioned of course, did it even matter to them that i survived. they said that i didn’t say anything for them to respond to, and that since i was ignoring them before (when i first went into crisis), they weren’t sure if i wanted them to even respond. so i let them know why i didn’t respond to them from before. about how dark this particular crisis was, that i had two close calls with death. then i didn’t want to talk to them because when i did talk to them, they seem to always complain about how “draining” it is to deal with me and my emotions. When they say the word draining, it just sounds like i suck the soul out of them. like i’m a burden they have to carry. so i just said fuck it, i won’t be that burden for you. even though i put my life on hold to help them through their time of need just before my crisis decided to unpause itself (i was already going through crisis, before they had a moment and i put mine on pause to help deal with theirs), i was exhausted trying to always be there. i know for someone trying to be there for me is ten times worse than anything i would have ever gone through. so i did it my way…. ALONE. i said that in this moment, this isn’t about you, but yes i want you to care, i want you to be there, but understand this is how i do things. ***now here i go again for the umpteenth time trying to explain how i deal with my depression*** i explain that i’m not just ignoring them for the hell of it, but for my own mental health. and if i didn’t want to speak to them at all, i wouldn’t just vanish, i’d say so.

but then they brought up how it was “confusing to them” that i was sending messages on other occasions before ***remember when i said i had good days sprinkled in the middle of my spells….this was when i had one of those good days*** but then they go and tell me…. “you may have your reasons to ignore me but that doesn’t make it right” …. well excuse the fuck outta me….i was a little busy being depressed and trying to decide whether or not i should kill myself…i most certainly wasn’t thinking about you in that moment. i think that reason trumps anything you can think of as a reason to ignore you. So they just say. . . . .”well i’ll just change the way i react to you”

how do you react to me? because here is where i’m confused? because your current reaction is not that of a friend.

now remember all those other friends i mentioned….none of them act like this hysterical. Not even the ones i’ve met in the last 5 or so years. If we are JUST FRIENDS . . . . . why does it bother you so much what i do? why does it bother you so much if i disappear for a few days? why does it bother you if i ignore you? why are you reacting to me doing all these things the way you do? FRIENDS DON’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT!! there is usually some underlying feeling or emotional tie to the other person. now this friend says they are an empath . . . . . personally i kinda call bullshit on this. because if this were true, they would have felt just how much of an emotional struggle i was having right after they told me we couldn’t be in a relationship because they only saw me as just a fucking friend and that we could never be anything more. they would have felt how much that shit hurt me to my inner core. but they didn’t. they would have never kept on to tell me they loved me, knowing how i felt after the fact. because their “i love you” is not the FRIEND type of i love you, it has an intimate feel behind it. which gives off seriously confusing vibes. (which i’ve learned to just shrug this saying off because it’s meaning has been lost on me . . . . . my true friends…when they say i love you..they say it with a friendly tone…not with an intimate tone).

So to them and their reaction…i respond and asked what was it that they wanted from me? because i’m curious to know? How do they expect me to change overnight and become someone else? it’s like when we stopped courting each other, they expected me to turn off my emotions overnight and just be okay the next day and just be FRIENDS, to act like i wasn’t in love, like the previous months meant nothing to me, to essentially act like how they were acting. which really threw me for a loop, because how could you go from loving me, to acting like you never had feelings in the span of 24 hours. it’s almost as if you never had feelings to begin with. then of course a month later, tell me you love me and throw a fucking monkey wrench in the program causing more confusion. I explained that this was the way i always did things and they couldn’t expect that to change overnight. that i couldn’t be an open book to them, because then my feelings would get involved and i swore i would never let that happen again with them. it would end tragically a second time around. my brain is like rush hour traffic and all the lights are green. there is no orderly fashion to the way it’s moving. just congestion everywhere, traffic jams left and right and everyone is trying to push through. that’s the thought process in my brain with this disorder.

They accuse me of not listening to them or trying to understand. finally though…they tell me that they are glad i made it through. It’s now the third day since i contacted them.

Now i’m just pissed at this point, because initially that was all i ever wanted. to reach out to my friend and have them say “i’m glad you made it through this” and we just go on with our lives. instead, i’m having to fight this monologue on why i had to separate myself for my mental health. Why all i ever wanted was support from a friend? why i got judged for how i did things my way and not communicated why i suddenly disappeared (sudden onset crisis – not my fault). that they just couldn’t be happy i survived???

of course their response is that they aren’t judging me

They say that they have never made my situation about them? Hmmm i beg to differ…but okay. . . . . words and actions are saying a lot here.

So tell them to do me a solid….to take this whole situation and go explain it to someone. . . . . fuck anyone who is an outside party. and see if they are gonna come up with the same rational excuse as they have. if they would be as upset as they are if their seriously depressed friend (who has warned them of how they cope many many times…and also warned them of this potential crisis) went into a mood and just vanished. Should that depressed friend cater to their needs by keeping them informed of ever situation and every move that is being made? Should they jeopardize their mental stability and track back to wellness just so they can feel good about themselves?

MAKE IT MAKE SENSE TO ME!!

Then they go on about messages that were sent during the good days. like i was wrong for having a good day, then even wronger from having that one good day go straight to shit the same night they sent their response and i just shut down.

I tried to explain that is what happened, but nope they weren’t trying to hear it. all they wanted to know is why do i even bother to reach out when i’m having good days? that i should probably just maintain my distance until the whole thing passes i guess. but then they were all like it’s whatever, i’m done, i gotta protect myself from you.

Now i don’t know what they have to protect themselves from. Because remember we’re JUST FRIENDS? you shouldn’t have any feelings or emotions towards me to protect. remember you don’t see me in that way? i don’t do it for you, you just see me as a friend…so what are you protecting? unless you’ve been lying all this time about your true feelings. 

in which case, i call bullshit on it all. you have nothing to protect. my friends don’t have anything to protect. what is there a fear of losing me to my own hands from my eventual suicide? they care, but they don’t care like how you are claiming to care.

So i did them one better…i just said, i’ll go back to doing what i was doing the whole time before i hit them up. we can go back to radio silence if that is what they want. they don’t want to be bothered with me, they don’t have to worry about me. i’ll take my depression filled ass and continue on with my life as it was. work, workout, eat, shower, drink water, watch tv, watch movies, try not to die, sleep, repeat. They don’t have to worry, they don’t have to react, they don’t have shit to protect themself from. if i’m not in the picture, what is there?