They say it’s a thin line between love and hate. Well it appears in the case of my love life, it’s an even thinner line between love and the single life. My last attempt at a relationship truly scarred me on even trying to date ever again. I don’t think the person knows or fails to see the gravity of just how bad they truly fucked up the aspect of dating for me.
Even the thought of getting to know a person, has me constantly wondering
- “does this person actually want to get to know me, or are they saying that just to get in my pants”
- “do they really want to get to know me, or are they just trying to get to know some facts about what its like to be trans for their later transition in life”
- “do they really care about me, or are they just looking to kill time until their dream person comes along”
- “am i really what they are looking for, or am i just an experiment to them”
- “do they see me as me, or just a freak show”
- “do they see me as me, or just as a ‘man/thing’ they can check off and say i’ve tried it, but it’s not for me”
Then if i did give someone the chance to date me, i’m always going to wonder when are they gonna hit me with the line….it’s not you, its me…i just don’t see us working out, i just see you as a friend and nothing more. i can’t commit to you, i have commitment issues, i tried to look past who you are are and try something new, but i just can’t make this work for me, i tried to give it a shot, but it just won’t work. i enjoy sex with you, but together we won’t work, i just don’t see it happening.
Essentially, i make myself vulnerable to them and they walk all over me. i let myself get attached to them, let myself hope and dream for a future, and then bam, i get hit in the face with a 4×4, b/c i’m not dating material. i’m not their preference. because i never was their dating preference to begin with. i was just a trial by experience. let me see if i can open my mind….nope not even…so let me lead you on, get you hooked and then wrap this cement block to your feet and drop you in the middle of this lake experiment.
before my last dating experience, i had basically only seen myself as being single for the rest of my days. i was content with it. i had basically written out my life, as a single person, who had accepted who they were. i was okay with my sexual history at the time. i was letting whoever use me as they pleased, i wasn’t getting satisfied, but that was okay, because i could always finish the job on my own. i was satisfied with that.
then i had to go and meet this person. experience sex in a whole new light, discover what it meant to be sexually fulfilled. now the act just isn’t the same. but alas, i’m back to not getting any because those who were there before, just don’t like up to the same hype. so they all got dropped, what’s the point of no pleasure if there isn’t any pleasure once you’ve experienced pleasure. now i’m back to picturing my life as a single person again.
which is strange because my friends, who saw pictures of me and this person, tell me that they could see the love we had for one another. that i had for them and they had for me. even in pictures we took after we split and became FWBs, they could still see love in our pictures. not just friend love, but love love…..they kinda love you have for someone. you want to spend your life with. that;’s why i had to hide all those pictures in my phone. i couldn’t bear to see that look every time i opened my photo app. to be reminded of what once was. nope not doing it.
even had a friend tell me, maybe it was knowing that there was going to be distance between YA’ll which was the reason why they broke it off. distance makes people fight, it’s why they are currently fighting with their spouse..the distance. i just shrugged and said whatever. distance or no distance….they have made themselves clear…they don’t want me. and if they said they do…….why should i believe them at this point??? for the last 6 months all i’ve heard is…i only see you as a friend, i don’t see you ars anything more. what the fuck has changed? i haven’t changed? i’m still the same person i was 6 months ago. just not as optimistic or happy as i was then. my life turned to shit after that weekend. my whole attitude towards them changed because i couldn’t trust a thing they said. i felt (and still feel) like what they tell me most of the time is a lie.
what i should have done that weekend, after they said what they said…was told them to leave my house. i should have cut all communication with them right then and there. but i was a dumbass love sick puppy. i didn’t want to believe that it was over. i wanted to fight for what i believed was us. the love didn’t flip a switch in me like it did in them. it wasn’t over for me, it was over for them. i was just a pawn in their game.
but now here i am, months later….not necessarily bitter….still pissed about it all, but over it the best i can be. living my life the only way i know how. in silent mode. avoiding the world, avoiding them at this moment, avoiding ppl, avoiding the potential for relationships, avoiding love at all cost. i had my heart ripped out, stomped on, shattered into a million pieces. never to be put back together again.
i know people say y ou shouldn’t let one person ruin your hopes for happiness, but if you never had hope for happiness is it really letting one person ruin it if they were the only person you ever sought out happiness with?
i dunno….but i’m tired of ppl telling me that my “one” will come …. like if that was the case….they’d be here by now. i’m not willing to go through this hurt and pain over and over again just to keep “trying” to find that one….no fucking thanks. this last time almost damn near killed me. another time will kill me for sure. my heart and emotions can’t take it. i’ll just be a heartless bastard until it’s worth it. stone cold bitch. not giving up one inch in the feelings department. not giving a fuck about anyone or anything. because why the hell should i? no one gives a royal fuck about me or my feelings. they just want to walk all over them. use me up and then throw away the fucking key. just a fucking friend.