The old saying “Actions speak louder than words” is a good phrase to live by. I wholeheartedly uphold people to that phrase. I always tell people…that their actions are what i hold them accountable for. Words mean nothing to me, but actions mean everything. Probably why my love language is acts of service and not words of affirmation.
So when it comes to matters of the heart, i need people to do what they say they are going to do. I hold my partners and my friends to very high standards.
So when it comes to friends, i do expect them to be there in times of need. I don’t consider too many people friends, so when i do feel like you deserve the title, then you’ve earned it. but you gotta keep it up. i’m a complex type of person. i do for some reason seem to require a lot of care from my friends. those who have known me for many years, have grown used to my antics.
But with partners, its also the same thing. only with them they should hopefully be willing to step up to the plate.
So the point of this blog…..actions…they speak louder than words. since march or so, i’ve heard “we should just be friends, and only friends” “i only see you as a friend, nothing more” “we can never work out” “it won’t work out between us, we’re too different, i have a preference and you don’t fit it”
So that’s on one hand i hear this almost daily. but when we flip over the coin to the other hand it’s a totally different story. The actions don’t match the words.
So if we’re just friends. . . . . do friends hold hands? do friends make out? do friends hug up on each other? do friends tell each other they love one another but the words are said not with the intention that means “i love you buddy”, but are said with the underlying message that makes your clit jump and a heart stop beating.
I mean don’t get me wrong, i tell my friends that i love them all the time, but when i say it, i mean buddy..i care about you, i love just having you around and you just are one chill ass person to have in my life, thanks for being a friend…..cue Golden Girls theme song.
But nope…with this friend…when i hear i love you from them, i don’t get Golden Girls theme song vibes. i get that romantic, heart thumping, clit pounding, i want you back into my life, please never leave me vibe.
with my friends we chill and just hang out like no pressure. we just enjoy the company of one another. if we go places it doesn’t feel forced to be there with one another. we are just in the moment of now. we can go on trips with one another and while we’re still “together” we’re also apart, but together. we have a separate vacation but we’re taking it together. we can chill in the same room, separate beds, it’s like a sleepover. we stay up late, watch movies, eat junk food, talk like teenagers and eventually we fall asleep in our own beds. when we get up, we go out and do whatever we came to do. while we may be together, we are still doing them separately. so it doesn’t feel like someone is being left out if the other doesn’t want to do it.
but with this one friend, the vacations never feel that way. we’ve done a few trips together. each one, it’s always been one bed, we almost always gotta do everything together, or one of us is angst about the other feeling left out (not me though, i like my personal time alone). sure there are some slight times where it feels like regular friends, but for the most times, it feels like i’m in a relationship on vacation. like i’m not my own person doing my own thing. like i’m having to check in.
i guess it boils down to boundaries. where is the line drawn at? where does the friend line get drawn at? what constitutes what you need to know as my friend? what do we need to do as friends while we are out and about. can we just relax or am i stuck with you the whole time? can i leave you in the hotel room and go off and do my own thing? are you gonna text me and ask when i will be back? or what…what is the procedure here?
i’m just saying that all of this just doesn’t feel like just friends to me. your actions feel like more. like you’re hiding your true feelings because you are afraid of them. i don’t know. right now, i just wanna say that i don’t care. but i do a little bit, but i’m fed up with it all. i’m confused. i hear these other lines so much, but your actions say that your feelings are so much more than what you are saying.
so say what is deep inside your heart. what you truly feel. although i’m sure if you’re reading this, you will probably be too chicken to say what you truly feel because you can’t commit to shit. you want to leave your options open because you want to pick this hill to die on. to stand fast in your words and let what is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you go. but hey that’s your prerogative. you picked the hill, you picked the ammunition, now you pull the trigger.
i just know, i won’t allow you to play with my emotions. you can tell me your “true feelings” but the fact is, i probably won’t believe you, b/c for so long, i’ve heard your other narrative. so that’s what keeps playing in my mind on repeat, on sound level 100. that’s what i believe to be is true. but i keep sneak watching your actions that don’t live up to the hype of what you are saying. and i’m like the old man in Coming to America….ah haaaa…ah haaa. You ain’t slick.
Make your actions and your words unite to be as one. make up your mind. stop trying to confuse folks. its a sad fucking hill to die on. if you want something, speak the fuck up, stop trying to be this big bold fucker and just let yourself fall in love and allow yourself to be loved. the world isn’t gonna end if that shit happens.
