Blank Space

For the first time in almost 2 months, my mind is completely blank. I’m not worried about anyone, myself, nor am I thinking of anything. I’m just sitting here at my desk in my home office, staring blankly at the screen trying to think of something to write.

For the last two months, I’ve been bombarded with thoughts of everyone else and how I need to care for them, be worried sick about everything for everyone else, and just put myself on the backburner. Then when I do think about myself, it’s filled with nothing but sadness and regret for how my life is going at the moment. But right now, I don’t feel anything. Not sadness, not happiness, not anything. I’m just here in the moment.

I’m hoping that this means, I can turn off my tv tonight, maybe listen to some meditation, and fall peacefully asleep. That when I wake up tomorrow (if i wake up tomorrow) that this night isn’t the calm before the storm. That i’m not just feeling calm before my life comes to a tragic end.

Maybe I should say my goodbyes now. It just feels too good right now, like something bad is going to happen tomorrow to fuck this all up.

So what I’m going to do, is go have me a few shots of whiskey. Watch another episode of Grey’s, while I lay in my bed, and listen to Ross Rayburn on the low low. If I fall asleep, then i fall asleep. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. I’ll get up in the morning (or i won’t) and I’ll tackle whatever my ever so present shitty life throws at me.


I’ve been trying to decide whether to buy a Peloton treadmill or to get a new mattress. The adult in me says to get a new mattress, but the new active fit me says to get the damn treadmill and the cheap mattress. I want a sleep number mattress, but the cheap me, can’t fathom spending $1K for a mattress. Yes, I spend a lot of time in bed. But I can get just as good a nights rest in a $400-$800 mattress, that doesn’t need electricity. Because if the power goes out, does the bed deflate to the softest settings? If one of the air pockets burst, will they replace the whole mattress? How does the warranty work? Now I’m thinking I might just be better off with just a regular mattress. But do I just go with a pillow top? Because I don’t think I would be good with a memory foam, they just seem like they would be too soft for my liking. I need something medium firm, but not too firm.

I wish I had a spouse like the women in my fitness group. The kind of spouse that surprises you with fitness equipment. But then I’d also be living in my forever home. Which I most certainly am not living in right now. Because I really have no place to put a treadmill. Although I’m trying to get space by trying to sell stuff, but it’s a slow market right now. Or people are just window shopping and not being serious about buying. Hell, when I see a good deal, I jump on it. Well, I do my research first, then I jump. But again, I wish I had a spouse, that would be like, here babe, surprise, here’s the treadmill you’ve been wanting. I know you’ve been wanting it and didn’t want to spend your money on it, and couldn’t decide between it and “whatever” and you chose to be financially responsible, but I had the extra money so here you go.

Or better yet, can I just hit the lotto for a small amount? So I can buy my forever home (or build it) and then I can afford to put in a gym room. Complete with weights, a tv, maybe even a tonal, a squat rack, weight bench, etc. Maybe even just have a shed out back for all my gym equipment. Built in sauna. Then I could afford a trainer to push me to my limits more than what I’m doing now. Truly get these pounds off, and keep them off. Be the kinda sexy person a spouse would love to come home to every night. Get my ego boost going because women would find me attractive, instead of being the blob that i am now. I guess the only thing I’ve got going for me really is my legs, which Peloton has so graciously given back to me. Because my calves are killer right now. Thighs could use some work, belly is always going to be a work in progress, and I just need to lift weights to tone up these arms and chest. But no one wants to see my chest, women are afraid of it. They are afraid of me not having boobs. As if it’s something they can catch.

**sigh** Now I’m thinking too much, time to go to bed. My brain is starting to work and I was doing so well. Time to grab the bottle of jack daniels, crawl into bed, and try not to drink it all before I close my eyes.

About blutruth

A random sarcastic a-hole. But still fun loving and wonderful. I have my moments where I spaz out, but who doesn't. This is a general fall spot for my late night ramblings about life in general.
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