To keep my mind off the sucidal thoughts that have been clouding my brain recently, I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I started a workout challenge with my boss and one of my coworkers. They are both very competitive. So they have been pushing me to get more than my 30 mins a day to stay at the top of the list. But we’ve all been battling for that top spot. Our challenge goes to the end of the month. We’re looking for other people to join us. I think the more people that we get in on this, the more interactive that it can be. Especially if we have it Agency wide. I’m going to release it to my field office next week via email. I need more people to beat, it makes me feel good and not so depressed that im getting in physical activity and doing something productive.
I’ve also got to start studying for my professional certifications. I realized yesterday that i got so swamped with computer conversions over the summer, that I forgot to turn in my IDP, which basically said what I was planning on doing for the next FY in terms of training and if I would need budget dollars to do any of this training. Granted my boss forgot about it too, because she didn’t remind me, and now here it is, three months later and I’m asking questions and BAM…wow..yeah. Now I gotta get special permission to do the training. I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem, but yeah. Big fuck up on my part.
But to allievate this problems, I bought another amazon echo to put in my office. It stares me down every day. i tell it to remind me of things that I will forget. I got the idea from a friend, who has one in her office. She has it to tell her of her reminders, and her meetings, and such. So far the only constant reminder I have is for 1030 every day to work out. It repeats on all 3 echos in the house. You’re probably like Echo…what’s that… you know…Alexa…what’s the weather… that kinda echo. Only mine is programed to answer to the word Echo, not Alexa. Fuck the name Alexa.
Now when I have a meeting, or an appt, I set a reminder in the office, b/c that’s usually the room where I am most of the day, especially during the week. It goes off, and I’m up and running. It also has been a help that my ADHD meds have been increased. I’m more focused during the day. Like hyper focused within an hour of waking up. occassionally i’ll venture off into la-la land, but for the most part, I’m dead set on what needs to be done. I’m only writing this, because I’m on a lunch break from training. I’ve already done 30 mins of spin. I think that’s all i’m going to do today. Although, I may go out for a walk later.
in the mean time, work has been the busy to my life. work, and working out. those two things have been the most consistent. when im not working, i’m working out. when i’m not working out, i’m sleeping. i’m trying to drop weight. it’s not working the way i want it to, so i’m going to try something different starting next week and see where it gets me for about two weeks. we’ll see what type of progress I make. in the meantime, my guardian, stays by my side day and night. unless he is sleeping or eating or in his litter box or pulling his water bowl out into the center of his room. he’s a funny character, kills me some days. like now, he’s sleeping his life away, but was in my office all morning begging for attention. but the moment i went to work out is when he decided to go to sleep, like watching me work out made him tired. lazy ass.
He’ll be back up and awake as soon as i get up from the office and go lay on the couch after work. it’s like he has a sixth sense to know when i’m on the couch, or it makes a sound only hearable to him. because it doesn’t squeak of anything, but the moment, I lay down, he hears it and comes running. asshole.
speaking of tv, i’ve been binging on grey’s anatomy again. It started out as background noise while riding my bike, then i would just sit and watch a few episodes. now it’s just something i put on to watch while riding the bike, and then to drown out the silence of the house. I get off work and pretty much turn off my phone or set it on silent and leave it in the bedroom or in the office, unless i’m expecting a call from my doctor’s office. Otherwise, I just ignore it and everyone who calls. If they don’t leave a message, then oh well. They can leave a voicemail, or a text. Which i probably won’t respond to until late or right before bed. which then i won’t respond to their answer because i’ve then put my phone into do not disturb and have gone to bed. which lately has been between 8-9 pm these nights. some text have gone unread over the last two weeks. which is killing the OCD in me to have unread messages, but it’s better than just deleting the whole thread. I wish i could hide it instead of deleting it. i know i can mute the thread and not get notified if a person sends me a message, but i can’t hide it and not see it when i open my messages.
I’m tired…this training is boring. My brain is starting to wander. I think I’m going to take a nap after work. I deserve it. I’ve been super active this morning. Life has beaten me down today. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow. Fuck, I hate feeling like I do. I was so feeling like like was great this morning, then i sat down after lunch and after my work out, and started blogging this shyt out and now i feel like shit. hel i’ve feel like i’ve talked to them and they have once again let me down.
shit, they called yesterday. and that made my day go from okay to worse. like everything was progressing along nicely and then i saw their name and instantly got in a bad mood. i couldn’t get out of it. just ruined me for the rest of the day. people were texting me and i couldn’t answer them. not even my best friend. i gotta pull myself out of this. hell i haven’t seen my best friend in almost three weeks. i’ve been kinda avoiding her. i want to sleep. i need my sleeping pills. i wonder if i take a double dose tonight would i stay sleep for the whole night? or would i wake up three times like i have been doing each night with nothing to do but toss and turn.
fuck this…i’m going to sleep i’m not busy anymore, nor do i feel busy. my body feels exhausted.
